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Humor: Are you a Real Skier or an Expert Skier?

billski

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Thought it was time for a little levity here. Sorry if this has been run through before. I got a good chuckle out of it.


Expert Skier: Drives to the local resort in the Beemer with the skis on the rack upside down, tips back, ...
Real Skier: Hasn't dug his/her 1976 Ford F150 Pickup out since the last time he got an impound warning for impeding snow removal, walks to the lift, never shows his pass.

Expert Skier: Got a great deal on the latest in ski gear at Sniagrab.
Real Skier: Picked up a used set at a garage sale and found his bindings in the dumpster outside his apartment.

Expert Skier: Goes out to a fine restaurant for dinner apres ski.
Real Skier: Is his waiter.

Expert Skier: His favorite run has a name like Jaws of Death, Outer Limits, White Heat, or some such.
Real Skier: His favorite run has no name.

Expert Skier: Counts the number of days he skied last season.
Real Skier: Counts the number of days he missed all year.

Expert Skier: Wishes the ski season was longer.
Real Skier: Didn't realize skiing was restricted to a particular season, only that sometimes the lifts run and sometimes they don't.

Expert Skier: Calls the avalanche report before hitting the resort.
Real Skier: Calls in his observations to the Avalanche Forecast Center when he gets back from his tour.

Expert Skier: Tells everyone that they should ski his favorite resort.
Real Skier: Tells everyone that they should ski somewhere else.

Expert Skier: Thinks the new lift is great.
Real Skier: Spent all last night loosening the bolts on pole 12 of the new lift.

Expert Skier: Feels confident adjusting his binding.
Real Skier: Feels comfortable mounting his bindings.

Expert Skier: Thinks the female lift attendant is cute.
Real Skier: Blushes when she tells him how much she enjoyed last night.

Expert Skier: Subscribes to Powder Magazine to find out the hot places to ski.
Real Skier: Skims through the ski rags while he's at the sev' buying beer to see how many of his favorite places they've ruined.

Expert Skier: Thinks Vail is the resort of all resorts.
Real Skier: Tells everyone that Vail is the resort of all resorts.

Expert Skier: Buys all his buddies beers at the lodge.
Real Skier: Gets all his beer free cuz he lives with the guy tending bar.

Expert Skier: Gets real pissed off when someone skis over the tops of his skis.
Real Skier: Paints his skis flat black so no one will steal them, worries about the bottoms of his skis... not the tops.

Expert Skier: Calls the resort snow report before heading up.
Real Skier: Carries a hand held scanner so he knows when the patrol is going to open the bowls.

Expert Skier: Thinks off-piste is when you step into the trees to relieve yourself. (Thanx Joe!)
Real Skier: Skis home to pee.

Expert Skier: Thinks the backcountry is a bar.
Real Skier: Chuckles when some touron asks him where he can find the Backcountry.

Expert Skier: Thinks climbing skins are made of brightly colored Lycra(tm).
Real Skier: Knows how to reglue them.

Expert Skier: Thinks snowboarders are pretty damn funny.
Real Skier: Thinks snowboarders are pretty damn funny.

Expert Skier: Has a fancy ski rack on his car.
Real Skier: Has a fancy ski rack by the front door.

Expert Skier: Sharpens his edges once a week.
Real Skier: Sharpens his edges when he flies home to visit his parents for Christmas in Vermont.

Expert Skier: Knows all about snow making....
Real Skier: Worked on the snowmaking crew for three years.

Expert Skier: Calls a 1-900 number to get the latest weather report.
Real Skier: Steps outside and looks up...

Expert Skier: Has a Grateful Dead sticker on his BMW.
Real Skier: Lives with four dead-heads in a one bedroom apartment.

Expert Skier: Has a gagloop of ski passes hanging all over his jacket from places like Breckenridge and Vail and Aspen and .....
Real Skier: Forgot his season pass at home... but it doesn't really matter.

Expert Skier: Narrowly avoided injury in his last fall cuz his skis came off.
Real Skier: Narrowly avoided injury in his last fall cuz his skis stayed on.

Expert Skier: Wears GoreTex(tm).
Real Skier: Wears duct tape.

Expert Skier: Thinks high speed quads are a type of ski lift.
Real Skier: Thinks high speed quads are the leg muscles of the guy breaking trail. (Again.. Thanx Joe)

Expert Skier: Gets all excited cuz it snowed 12 inches, gets up early so he can beat the crowds.
Real Skier: Sleeps in til noon since it only snowed a foot overnight.
 

EPB

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I must say though, the real skier is snotty becaue he skies out west where nobody cares when it snows a foot.
 

sledhaulingmedic

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I first saw that on Rec.skiing.alpine. That would make it at least 8 years old.

It has held up well. I like "sharpens his edges once a year when he flies home to visit his parents in VT."
 

Geoff

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sledhaulingmedic said:
I first saw that on Rec.skiing.alpine. That would make it at least 8 years old.

It has held up well. I like "sharpens his edges once a year when he flies home to visit his parents in VT."

I first saw it in 1998. It's probably older than that.
 

sledhaulingmedic

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Geoff said:
sledhaulingmedic said:
I first saw that on Rec.skiing.alpine. That would make it at least 8 years old.

It has held up well. I like "sharpens his edges once a year when he flies home to visit his parents in VT."

I first saw it in 1998. It's probably older than that.

What's interesting is that it's exactly as I remember it. I don't even know if Usenet still exists. I wonder if I could find it from "Back in the Day"?

Edit: I didn't find the original thread, but found references to it from 1996!

Same old flame wars seem to be going on still. Mostly the same characters too.
 

gores95

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I like this line:

Expert Skier: His favorite run has a name like Jaws of Death, Outer Limits, White Heat, or some such.
Real Skier: His favorite run has no name.
 

kbroderick

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Re: r.s.a

sledhaulingmedic said:
What's interesting is that it's exactly as I remember it. I don't even know if Usenet still exists. I wonder if I could find it from "Back in the Day"?

Edit: I didn't find the original thread, but found references to it from 1996!

Same old flame wars seem to be going on still. Mostly the same characters too.

Signs you've been hanging around the Internet too long: you remember when rec.skiing.alpine had a decent signal-to-noise ratio.

And back on topic:
Expert skier: Thinks the skis-turned-into-coatracks on the wall of the base lodge are pretty cool decor.
Real skier: Still has a pair of the same skis in the closet somewhere.
 

frozencorn

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Expert Skier: Thinks Vail is the resort of all resorts.
Real Skier: Tells everyone that Vail is the resort of all resorts.

Nice. I always feel like somewhat of a tool sometimes bragging how great Vail is.
 

backintoit

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That's great but how old??? When was the last time Sniagrab was used? Did that term even make it into the 90's?
 

sledhaulingmedic

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Another perpetual thread!

Time to resurect this one: Real Skier vs. Expert Skier. How old is it? What can we do to bring it up to date?
 
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Thought it was time for a little levity here. Sorry if this has been run through before. I got a good chuckle out of it.


Expert Skier: Drives to the local resort in the Beemer with the skis on the rack upside down, tips back, ...
Real Skier: Hasn't dug his/her 1976 Ford F150 Pickup out since the last time he got an impound warning for impeding snow removal, walks to the lift, never shows his pass.

GSS: 2006 Impreza skis in the car in ski bag....

Expert Skier: Got a great deal on the latest in ski gear at Sniagrab.
Real Skier: Picked up a used set at a garage sale and found his bindings in the dumpster outside his apartment.

GSS: Skis bought on EBAY or SteepandCheap

Expert Skier: Goes out to a fine restaurant for dinner apres ski.
Real Skier: Is his waiter.

GSS: Grubs on free food at the Cabot store then goes to fine restaurant

Expert Skier: His favorite run has a name like Jaws of Death, Outer Limits, White Heat, or some such.
Real Skier: His favorite run has no name.

GSS: Has too many favorite runs

Expert Skier: Counts the number of days he skied last season.
Real Skier: Counts the number of days he missed all year.

GSS: Skied 229 days in the past two seasons..

Expert Skier: Wishes the ski season was longer.
Real Skier: Didn't realize skiing was restricted to a particular season, only that sometimes the lifts run and sometimes they don't.

GSS: Going summer skiing somewhere this year

Expert Skier: Calls the avalanche report before hitting the resort.
Real Skier: Calls in his observations to the Avalanche Forecast Center when he gets back from his tour.

GSS: Is an ice coaster and doesn't worry about avalanches..

Expert Skier: Tells everyone that they should ski his favorite resort.
Real Skier: Tells everyone that they should ski somewhere else.

GSS: Is a Stowe, Blue mountain, Jackson Hole whore

Expert Skier: Thinks the new lift is great.
Real Skier: Spent all last night loosening the bolts on pole 12 of the new lift.

GSS: Loves high speed lifts for mad steezy vert..

Expert Skier: Feels confident adjusting his binding.
Real Skier: Feels comfortable mounting his bindings.

GSS: Is not mechanical and leaves binding adjustments to an expert..

Expert Skier: Thinks the female lift attendant is cute.
Real Skier: Blushes when she tells him how much she enjoyed last night.

GSS: Has groupies at Nastar and Karaoke..

Expert Skier: Subscribes to Powder Magazine to find out the hot places to ski.
Real Skier: Skims through the ski rags while he's at the sev' buying beer to see how many of his favorite places they've ruined.

GSS: Knows so much about skiing, he could be a fact checker for any ski magazine..

Expert Skier: Thinks Vail is the resort of all resorts.
Real Skier: Tells everyone that Vail is the resort of all resorts.

GSS: Vail is pretty far down his list of places to visit

Expert Skier: Buys all his buddies beers at the lodge.
Real Skier: Gets all his beer free cuz he lives with the guy tending bar.

GSS: Drinks at least 9 beers on Gaper day and has a safety meeting in the parking lot

Expert Skier: Gets real pissed off when someone skis over the tops of his skis.
Real Skier: Paints his skis flat black so no one will steal them, worries about the bottoms of his skis... not the tops.

GSS: Laughs when a gaper asks about his Parabolics

Expert Skier: Calls the resort snow report before heading up.
Real Skier: Carries a hand held scanner so he knows when the patrol is going to open the bowls.

GSS: Gives a daily report on PASKIANDRIDE

Expert Skier: Thinks off-piste is when you step into the trees to relieve yourself. (Thanx Joe!)
Real Skier: Skis home to pee.

GSS: Knows the red coats get pissed off when he skis off-piste

Expert Skier: Thinks the backcountry is a bar.
Real Skier: Chuckles when some touron asks him where he can find the Backcountry.

GSS: Prefers the Sidecountry and short hikes,,,is paranoid of waking up a hypernating bear..or a barking bear from Epicski..

Expert Skier: Thinks climbing skins are made of brightly colored Lycra(tm).
Real Skier: Knows how to reglue them.

GSS: Likes the skin on fried chicken..especially extra crispy from KFC

Expert Skier: Thinks snowboarders are pretty damn funny.
Real Skier: Thinks snowboarders are pretty damn funny.

GSS: Thinks snowboarders have a handicapped due to having to strap in and out everyrun and having no poles for the flats..

Expert Skier: Has a fancy ski rack on his car.
Real Skier: Has a fancy ski rack by the front door.

GSS: Ski racks are for Gapers who don't mind ruining their skis with road salt and gravel..plus if you're really stoned you might forget to close it..

Expert Skier: Sharpens his edges once a week.
Real Skier: Sharpens his edges when he flies home to visit his parents for Christmas in Vermont.

GSS: Lets a racer buddy sharpen his edges for a case of beer..then accidently cuts his fingers/gloves cause they're so sharp..

Expert Skier: Knows all about snow making....
Real Skier: Worked on the snowmaking crew for three years.

GSS: Can calculate the wetbulb temperature on command..

Expert Skier: Calls a 1-900 number to get the latest weather report.
Real Skier: Steps outside and looks up...

GSS: Knows all the right internet sites to come up with his own mad steezy forecast..

Expert Skier: Has a Grateful Dead sticker on his BMW.
Real Skier: Lives with four dead-heads in a one bedroom apartment.

GSS: Heard so much second hand Phish, Dead, Dave Mathews in college that all he can stomach is gap music..

Expert Skier: Has a gagloop of ski passes hanging all over his jacket from places like Breckenridge and Vail and Aspen and .....
Real Skier: Forgot his season pass at home... but it doesn't really matter.

GSS: Gets rid of old lift tickets because they create drag..

Expert Skier: Narrowly avoided injury in his last fall cuz his skis came off.
Real Skier: Narrowly avoided injury in his last fall cuz his skis stayed on.

GSS: Last injury was serious enough to get 15 Vicodens but minor enough to be back on the slopes in 3 days..

Expert Skier: Wears GoreTex(tm).
Real Skier: Wears duct tape.

GSS: Wears his dress shirt from work..cause it's warm in PA in the winter..spring skiing in January what what

Expert Skier: Thinks high speed quads are a type of ski lift.
Real Skier: Thinks high speed quads are the leg muscles of the guy breaking trail. (Again.. Thanx Joe)

GSS: Loves high speed quads for 60k+ vert days

Expert Skier: Gets all excited cuz it snowed 12 inches, gets up early so he can beat the crowds.
Real Skier: Sleeps in til noon since it only snowed a foot overnight.

GSS: Gets excited for dust on crust..
 

BushMogulMaster

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That's great but how old??? When was the last time Sniagrab was used? Did that term even make it into the 90's?

A ski shop out here (I believe one in Breck and one in Dillon, CO) both hold a Sniagrab sale annually. I was going to check it out, just for fun, but never got around to it. I did go to the Breck ski swap, which made me want to puke. Retail+ prices. Ridiculous. But that's Breck for you.
 

koreshot

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I have seen this before and while its worth the read and is pretty funny, it is rather dumb.

With the exception of a few annoying traits the Expert Skier might have, the Expert Skier is basically a Real Skier that grew up, got a job, got responsibilities but still loves skiing. Just because the "real" skier is a bum, smokes pot all day and can't mature past 18 years old, doesn't mean he loves skiing more.

Chris Davenport drives an X3 (yeah, the double cliche - SUV and Bimmer) - this disqualifies him from the Real Skier category, even if he bagged and skied down every 14er in CO in a single winter.
 
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The real skier reminds me of alot of the Jaded pricks I knew in Montana who only skied the 10 sunny powder days a year....
 
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