One-liners for best man speech

[ComeBackMudPuddles]

The basic formula:

1. introduce yourself
2. thank the parents for the show
3. amusing story or two about the best man
4. wish the happy couple luck​

But, anyone have any good marriage jokes to sprinkle/to round out the speech? You know, one-liners that will get knowing nods of approval from the older set, while cracking up the younger (20/30s) crowd?

This particular speech will be given at the rehearsal dinner, and, from what I gather, the crowd isn't too stiff.

Thanks....

 

[GrilledSteezeSandwich]

I gave a kickass speech for my sister and brother in law last summer at the rehearsal dinner. I pretty much talked about how they're really into each other then said something silly about each of my brother in laws family members. First I said how my brother in law was always down for anything and was always eager to look at my ski pictures and would say "Awesome".I went to Hawaii with them the summer before the wedding so I said..sisters father in law was a good tour guide, little brother was a human test dummy, and sister was my daytime drinking buddy...then I looked to the back of the crowd and saw my Grandma and I said.."Nana you better beat-box for me later when I freestyle rap"..Sorry if that didn't help you at all but that's what I did..

 

[BeanoNYC]

 

[severine]

"Don't do it!"

 

[wa-loaf]

lol, was that your wedding Beano?

 

[GrilledSteezeSandwich]

Don't say anything about Blue balls..

 

[TheBEast]

Man oh man. Dying here!!

 

[BeanoNYC]

lol, was that your wedding Beano?

Nah...found it on Digg or Reddit a while back.

 

[ckofer]

Google "best man" speech and you'll get a ton of advice. Honestly, I'd keep it as kind and safe as possible. Remember you are a male. Anything you say could be taken the wrong way by a female. Specifically, the female in mind here is marrying your good friend. Do not mention the thousands of other women in his life before this.

Alternately, you could read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas while writing the speech. I have no idea what the results that will yield but please share with us a video of the whole thing if you go that route.

 

[GrilledSteezeSandwich]

Oh yeah don't mention anything about the 50-60% divorce rate..lol..

For Example...You guys seem like you're going to beat the odds and stay together instead of getting divorced like most of my friends and family..lol..don't say it...oh yeah and if you are one of the groomsmen at the wedding..drink heavily prior to the actual ceremoney..drinking Pitchers of whisky cokes should help you stand still and smile..oh yeah and even if the grooms aunt is a total MILF..don't grind with her on the dance floor..even if her husband is occupied with the make your own sundaes bar..lol

Weddings are fun..I know of at least 2 recent engagements where I stand a chance to get an invitation and possibly be a groomsmen..and possibly give another speech...yikes..oh yeah nothing about how the groomsmen..hooked up with anything with a pulse Freshman year of college..that shit doesn't fly a decade later..you can joke about the beer goggles on the ski lift..not in front of a crowd skewed more to John McCain than Tommy Chong..Holla

 

[drjeff]

I used this one on my brother when I was the best man at his wedding. I "borrowed" it from one of my best friend's weddings when his brother used it on him.

Give the basic speech, insert a humorus story or two, say something sappy, and then this for the closing will bring it home "Now as I get ready to raise my glass to you two(make sure you bring your glass with you for the speech - I forgot mine when I was the best man at my brother's wedding - good comic relief, but a definate loss of style points on your part ), GROOM, place your hand on top of the lovely BRIDE'S, and remember this is the last time you'll have the upper hand!"

 

[TheBEast]

I used this one on my brother when I was the best man at his wedding. I "borrowed" it from one of my best friend's weddings when his brother used it on him.

Give the basic speech, insert a humorus story or two, say something sappy, and then this for the closing will bring it home "Now as I get ready to raise my glass to you two(make sure you bring your glass with you for the speech - I forgot mine when I was the best man at my brother's wedding - good comic relief, but a definate loss of style points on your part ), GROOM, place your hand on top of the lovely BRIDE'S, and remember this is the last time you'll have the upper hand!"

That is so 1984.......

 

[drjeff]

That is so 1984.......

Definately works better with the grandparent aged guests and under no circumstances should be used at a "dry" wedding

 

[Hawkshot99]

Definately works better with the grandparent aged guests and under no circumstances should be used at a "dry" wedding

Dry and wedding should never be used in the same sentence!

 

[Hawkshot99]

For the speech, say how beautiful the bride is. So much better looking than the hooker from the bachelor's party.:-D

 

[ckofer]

There's always the classic Why is the bride always smiling in the wedding photos? riddle.