Thinking of having kids?

Thinking of Having Kids? Do this 11 step program first!


Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.


Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.


Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to
static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
(Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast.
Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night.
Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.


Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?


Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.


Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van.

And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.


Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store.

Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child.
(A full-grown goat is an excellent choice).

If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat.

Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.

Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.


Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air. You are now ready to feed a nine-month-old baby.


Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon.

Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years.

(I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.


Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly.

(Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional
crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).

Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.


Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice.

Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.



This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it.

Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!

I hope I'm sterile!

Cute. And yet millions of us parents somehow survive another day...

One thing you quickly realize about raising kids is that there's a real level of selflessness that has to take place immediately. If you're not willing to give up a lot of your money, free time, sleep, and in some cases sanity, than this job ain't for you. I actually applaud those that are self aware enough to know that it's not in them to become parents. There are enough jackass kids being raised by jackass parents as it is. Nevertheless, despite all the sacrifices, raising my kids has been the most rewarding experience of my life so far. My girls make me laugh and smile more than anyone else that I know. Sure, lots of bullshit from time to time, but at the end of the day it's all worth it. I couldn't imagine life without them now.

Hawkshot99 said:

I hope I'm sterile!

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I have friends who have volunteered to chip in for a Vacetomy for me for the good of Society..lol

Greg said:

Cute. And yet millions of us parents somehow survive another day...

One thing you quickly realize about raising kids is that there's a real level of selflessness that has to take place immediately. If you're not willing to give up a lot of your money, free time, sleep, and in some cases sanity, than this job ain't for you. I actually applaud those that are self aware enough to know that it's not in them to become parents. There are enough jackass kids being raised by jackass parents as it is. Nevertheless, despite all the sacrifices, raising my kids has been the most rewarding experience of my life so far. My girls make me laugh and smile more than anyone else that I know. Sure, lots of bullshit from time to time, but at the end of the day it's all worth it. I couldn't imagine life without them now.

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A post for all time....good work Greg!!

Your kids are lucky they have you.

Dr Skimeister said:

A post for all time....good work Greg!!

Your kids are lucky they have you.

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Greg is a big kid...a big kid who likes seeded bumps...and planning RAW Mountain Bike outings..:flag::flag:

My wife and I were cracking up reading the steps. But yes it's still worth it. The list is almost all true, especially lesson 2, all the non-parents offering "advice" and criticism. You really want to tell them to shut up or yell at them but they'll think you're an a-hole because they don't understand what it's like.

Dr Skimeister said:

A post for all time....good work Greg!!

Your kids are lucky they have you.

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Thanks Skimeister. My 2 1/2 year old is pretty high energy. It's really challenging sometimes. Another thing about kids is that you learn a lot about yourself, sometimes things you might not like very much. You learn to grow along with them sometimes.

Do I like kids-hell yeah
Am I a patient person-definately one of my strongest personal traits
Do I think I could make a half-way decent parent-absolutley
Will I ever have kids-god no!!!!!


I guess in the end I'm too selfish with time and money (more time). Props to all that endure the journey, I'm sure the reward is impossible to describe.


And yes I sometimes wish for something more....

snoseek said:

Do I like kids-hell yeah
Am I a patient person-definately one of my strongest personal traits
Do I think I could make a half-way decent parent-absolutley
Will I ever have kids-god no!!!!!


I guess in the end I'm too selfish with time and money (more time). Props to all that endure the journey, I'm sure the reward is impossible to describe.


And yes I sometimes wish for something more....

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Nice post. I'm sure you would make a good parent since you seem to be able to self analyze pretty well. Most people don't go into it with a full understanding of how it all works, but most of the time, you just learn to step up. The right woman might change your mind someday...

That made me laugh....

I've got 5 of them in the house right now!!! (13, 12, 9, 6, and 3)
It's a madhouse for sure!!!

Only 3 are mine... (13, 6, 3 )
2 belong to the drunken/drug addict from across the street who leaves her kids alone on the weekends from 6pm - 3 or 4 am when she normally arrives back home and needs to be carried into the house in which she is staying in.
After countless weekends of me looking out my bedroom window not being able to sleep because I'm wondering if the two kids across the street are okay or not my wife and I deceided it was easier to just have them eat/sleep over and hang out with our kids where we at least knew that they were safe and had something to eat.

Sorry for the rant.... Just needed to tell someone that as their "mother" is just a total worthless piece of human waste who cares nothing about her own offspring and uses SSI to feed her drug/alcohol addictions and tries to pass it off for her being bi-polar.
I feel so bad for these kids who have nothing and I am not really in any financial position to be helping them out. CYS would only make things worse for them as they've been through so much already. Between their Dad taking off after the divorce and never coming by except for the one time he took them for the weekend and beat the piss out of the younger one, and the drunken/addict of a mother with no job, no car, and no ambition in getting her shit together. The last thing these kids need is to get put into a foster home of some sort and feel completely abandoned, as I'm pretty sure the mother would just think of it as another reason to go get drunk and high.

WTF is wrong with some people??

Sorry again... I'm just frusterated by it all..

Phillycore said:

That made me laugh....

I've got 5 of them in the house right now!!! (13, 12, 9, 6, and 3)
It's a madhouse for sure!!!

Only 3 are mine... (13, 6, 3 )
2 belong to the drunken/drug addict from across the street who leaves her kids alone on the weekends from 6pm - 3 or 4 am when she normally arrives back home and needs to be carried into the house in which she is staying in.
After countless weekends of me looking out my bedroom window not being able to sleep because I'm wondering if the two kids across the street are okay or not my wife and I deceided it was easier to just have them eat/sleep over and hang out with our kids where we at least knew that they were safe and had something to eat.

Sorry for the rant.... Just needed to tell someone that as their "mother" is just a total worthless piece of human waste who cares nothing about her own offspring and uses SSI to feed her drug/alcohol addictions and tries to pass it off for her being bi-polar.
I feel so bad for these kids who have nothing and I am not really in any financial position to be helping them out. CYS would only make things worse for them as they've been through so much already. Between their Dad taking off after the divorce and never coming by except for the one time he took them for the weekend and beat the piss out of the younger one, and the drunken/addict of a mother with no job, no car, and no ambition in getting her shit together. The last thing these kids need is to get put into a foster home of some sort and feel completely abandoned, as I'm pretty sure the mother would just think of it as another reason to go get drunk and high.

WTF is wrong with some people??

Sorry again... I'm just frusterated by it all..

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Wow that's sad. Throughout my life, I've had friends and peers who come from disfunctional families and it almost feels guilty that I was brought up in a loving/stable environment. My parents both wanted to have kids. I really think I would make a good father one day..I'm not going to be one of those Dads whose out getting wasted till 3AM..and bitches about who ate the last poptart.

Phillycore, you're doing a good thing helping out the neighborhood kids..Some people would have an "It's not my problem" attitude and ignore their situation but you have alot of empathy which is one thing a good parent needs..

Phillycore said:

That made me laugh....

I've got 5 of them in the house right now!!! (13, 12, 9, 6, and 3)
It's a madhouse for sure!!!

Only 3 are mine... (13, 6, 3 )
2 belong to the drunken/drug addict from across the street who leaves her kids alone on the weekends from 6pm - 3 or 4 am when she normally arrives back home and needs to be carried into the house in which she is staying in.
After countless weekends of me looking out my bedroom window not being able to sleep because I'm wondering if the two kids across the street are okay or not my wife and I deceided it was easier to just have them eat/sleep over and hang out with our kids where we at least knew that they were safe and had something to eat.

Sorry for the rant.... Just needed to tell someone that as their "mother" is just a total worthless piece of human waste who cares nothing about her own offspring and uses SSI to feed her drug/alcohol addictions and tries to pass it off for her being bi-polar.
I feel so bad for these kids who have nothing and I am not really in any financial position to be helping them out. CYS would only make things worse for them as they've been through so much already. Between their Dad taking off after the divorce and never coming by except for the one time he took them for the weekend and beat the piss out of the younger one, and the drunken/addict of a mother with no job, no car, and no ambition in getting her shit together. The last thing these kids need is to get put into a foster home of some sort and feel completely abandoned, as I'm pretty sure the mother would just think of it as another reason to go get drunk and high.

WTF is wrong with some people??

Sorry again... I'm just frusterated by it all..

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Wow. That's some post. Good on ya for trying to help out. My kids are almost the same ages as your younger two. Throw an early teenager in the mix, and I can only imagine the challenges you already have with your own kids. Hopefully, it works out for your neighbor's kids. Very sad.

GrilledSteezeSandwich said:

Wow that's sad. Throughout my life, I've had friends and peers who come from disfunctional families and it almost feels guilty that I was brought up in a loving/stable environment. My parents both wanted to have kids. I really think I would make a good father one day..I'm not going to be one of those Dads whose out getting wasted till 3AM..and bitches about who ate the last poptart.

Phillycore, you're doing a good thing helping out the neighborhood kids..Some people would have an "It's not my problem" attitude and ignore their situation but you have alot of empathy which is one thing a good parent needs..

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I just don't want them to see their mother like that... it tore me up last weekend when I saw the 12y/o hold the door fir his mom at 3am when two people who drove her home carried her up the steps and into the house.
My wife and I stayed up all night talking about what we could do and decided that it would be best if we basically adopted them on the weekends and let them stay here so they got fed something other than chips and hot dogs and weren't subject to seeing stuff no kid should see, let alone no adult should see.
I've seen her get dropped off by some car, get out with a black plastic bag, go immediately in the house, kick the kids out to the porch....lock them out of the house for 30 mins then let them back in...
The next time I saw that car come up and she walked out of the house I yelled across the street... You better take that shit somewhere else.... she got in the car then pointed and they drove off for an hour or so..
I'm not a vigilante or anything like that and I don't want to get the cops involved either so it's like wtf do you do. I'm not about to get shot over some stupid shit, so if the dumbasses don't get the hint... the phone gets picked up.

I don't live in this type of neighborhood, (at least I didn't until now) sure I'm close to those kinds of places, but not here..One of my friends told me that noone lives in those types of neighborhoods but all neighborhoods are those types of places. It only takes one person to do something stupid to change it, and until that gets rectified it either gets worse or remains one of those neighborhoods.

I'm dealing with it the best I can and I know the owner of the house (her father) is getting ready to kick her out and sell it. I just feel bad for the kids.... she has family you'd think they'd step the F up instead of ignoring the situation. Is it really possible they don't know?? Even her own kids know.... they talk to my older son about how their mom is always high.

Jeezus those kids have very shitty odds of growing up and succeeding in life. If she was constantly high on hard drugs around kids I would personally call social services without thinking twice.

FWIW She showed up back home at 9 this morning and about 15 mins later the kids went home saying that their mom was missing them.

I don't know for sure, but I'm "guessing" it's just weed and I know there's alcohol.
There is definitely some sort of drugs involved as well..
Which I don't know.

Phillycore said:

FWIW She showed up back home at 9 this morning and about 15 mins later the kids went home saying that their mom was missing them.

I don't know for sure, but I'm "guessing" it's just weed and I know there's alcohol.
There is definitely some sort of drugs involved as well..
Which I don't know.

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Whose driving her around? Same car and people?

Phillycore said:

I just don't want them to see their mother like that... it tore me up last weekend when I saw the 12y/o hold the door fir his mom at 3am when two people who drove her home carried her up the steps and into the house.
My wife and I stayed up all night talking about what we could do and decided that it would be best if we basically adopted them on the weekends and let them stay here so they got fed something other than chips and hot dogs and weren't subject to seeing stuff no kid should see, let alone no adult should see.
I've seen her get dropped off by some car, get out with a black plastic bag, go immediately in the house, kick the kids out to the porch....lock them out of the house for 30 mins then let them back in...
The next time I saw that car come up and she walked out of the house I yelled across the street... You better take that shit somewhere else.... she got in the car then pointed and they drove off for an hour or so..
I'm not a vigilante or anything like that and I don't want to get the cops involved either so it's like wtf do you do. I'm not about to get shot over some stupid shit, so if the dumbasses don't get the hint... the phone gets picked up.

I don't live in this type of neighborhood, (at least I didn't until now) sure I'm close to those kinds of places, but not here..One of my friends told me that noone lives in those types of neighborhoods but all neighborhoods are those types of places. It only takes one person to do something stupid to change it, and until that gets rectified it either gets worse or remains one of those neighborhoods.

I'm dealing with it the best I can and I know the owner of the house (her father) is getting ready to kick her out and sell it. I just feel bad for the kids.... she has family you'd think they'd step the F up instead of ignoring the situation. Is it really possible they don't know?? Even her own kids know.... they talk to my older son about how their mom is always high.

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PHILLY -- you and the Mrs ARE HEROS !!!!!!!!!

What you guys are doing for those kids is a magnificent example of GOODNESS and LOVE.

You are correct --------- Neighborhoods are deteriorating rapidly in many cities and BURBs and at times we just have to muster the courage to take action or we'll lose it all and SOON .

GOOD on YA and the Mrs----------keep your focus

Actually, urban living gets a bad rap despite plenty of urban renewal and decent folks living here. Cities provide a lot of synergies for regions and it's a shame that the public perception is so poor despite the fact that many empty nesters are moving into the cities from the burbs. The boonies have a whole set of problems themselves, meth labs, poverty, walmartworld, militias, the list goes on. There's good and bad everywhere, folks. From an environmental standpoint, urban areas make more sense with transportation and proximity to services as well. My 2 cents from living in Philly and loving NYC.

Moe Ghoul said:

Actually, urban living gets a bad rap despite plenty of urban renewal and decent folks living here. Cities provide a lot of synergies for regions and it's a shame that the public perception is so poor despite the fact that many empty nesters are moving into the cities from the burbs. The boonies have a whole set of problems themselves, meth labs, poverty, walmartworld, militias, the list goes on. There's good and bad everywhere, folks. From an environmental standpoint, urban areas make more sense with transportation and proximity to services as well. My 2 cents from living in Philly and loving NYC.

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Pure Kunsler my man!!!


In spite of the fact that i live in a recreational and small townish environment I do agree that there is a lot to be said for rrban life, especially those areas that have been re-gentrified

. One of my kids has a brownstone in the West 80's in Manhattan just off the park . We thougouhly enjoy the city ambiance. It is a welcome break from the provincial attitudes that often prevail in small town, even college town environments, The diversity of culture, the arts, the cuisine , street festivals etc and just the urban vibe in general is a REAL treat