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Irish Joke Thread

highpeaksdrifter

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One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for more than 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar."

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and b'gorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman.

"'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"
 

Marc

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How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?


8- 1 to hold the bulb in the socket and 7 to drink until the room spins.
 

Marc

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Jack Nicklaus was on vacation in Ireland one summer, and of course, could not take a vacation with playing a round or two to stay on top form.

He was driving through the country side in his shiny new rental BMW and saw that he needed fuel. He pulled into a full service station and asked the serviceman to fill 'er up.


The serviceman complied and came around to the window to tell him his charge. While looking in the window, the serviceman noticed a pair of golf tees resting next to Nicklaus. Being a country born Irishman, and having never played golf, he asked Nicklaus, "And what are those tings for?"

Nicklaus, slightly amused at the inquiry, replied, "Those are to put my balls on when I'm driving."

The Irishman, leans back and gives a hearty laugh with a hint of disbelief and replies, "Bejesus! Dem boys at BMW tink of everything, don't they!"
 

ChileMass

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You guys are pushing it.......


An Irishman walks into a bar, already stumbling drunk, and orders a shot of whiskey. Another Irish sot halfway down the bar looks at him and says, "Don't I know you? I'll buy you that drink!".

The newcomer walks over to the other drunk and says, "Well, let's see now. I've lived in this town all my life". The second man says, "Well, so have I, too!!".

The new man says, "I graduated from school in '76.", and the second man says, "Why, I did as well!!!".

The newcomer slurs, "Me Pa was a cop here in town until he died just a few short years ago.", to which the second drunk sorrowfully replies, "As was mine - are ye shure I don't know ye??". This goes on for awhile.

Another man at the end of the bar is annoyed by the racket and says to the bartender, "What's up with these two?", to which the bartender replies, "Pay it no mind. It's just the Murphy twins - they're drunk again.".......:beer:
 

Marc

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ChileMass said:
Oops! If I wasn't an O'Brien, I'd apologize to you.....:lol:


If my mother hadn't been a Finnegan, I'd think twice about calling you a damn dirty drunk.

Although seeing as how I didn't turn down any of the liquid heat you brought to Cannon this winter (at around 10 am), I suppose I can call myself a damn dirty drunk too.
 

YardSaleDad

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A Texan walks into a pub In Ireland. In a loud booming voice he announces:

"I hear the Irish a great drinkers. I will bet a 100 pounds there is not a man in this pub who can drink ten pints of Guiness in ten minutes."

Silence greets this challenge, and one man slips out the bar. The Texan walks up to the bar and has a drink. About 20 minutes later, the man who slipped out returns and says "I ACCEPT THE BET". The publican lines them up, and the man knocks 'em down with time to spare.

The Texan pays the man, and says "That was truly amazing, but I would like to know why did you leave before."

The Irishman replied "Well I had to see if I could do it first, so I went down to Brown's pub"
 
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