Caring for the elderly..sad..

[GrilledSteezeSandwich]

Has anybody here ever cared for an elderly family member or friend. There seems to be a trend towards homecare for people to spend the final months of their life as opposed to nursing homes and hospice. Alot of people prefer to stay home yet having nurses 24 hours is costly so relatives and close friends often put in shifts caring for their loved one. I'm just wondering, I'm a bit intrigued by it all..as it is something I encounter on a regular basis yet have never experienced first hand. Some of the stories I hear show just how kind and caring some are. One woman told me how she gave her grandma an enema..because she could not afford a nurse..something I could never ever never do..

 

[Grassi21]

My grandfather lived with us from the time I was born until he passed away my senior year of college. Great man, great memories. When he was on the way out I was up at college and didn't see a lot of the tough stuff in terms of day to day care.

 

[Warp Daddy]

Compassionate elder care is truly a mission of mercy . As the recession deepens and many people have lost benefits and health coverage this trend for homecare will exacerbate . The sheer numbers of people without safety nets of any kind in terms of health care coverage is staggering I'm afraid that Many Families will be faced with difficult/dire end of life management scenarios until we as a society begin to seriously address these issues

 

[playoutside]

We cared for my dad at home after he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was his desire to be at home. Unfortunately for us, he died just 8 days after his diagnosis. Fortunately for him, he was spared the excruciating death that some sadly suffer with cancer. The eight days of home care were the most stressful, sleep-deprived, sad, emotional, scary days of my life. That said, I wouldn't have missed a minute of that time with my Dad; he deserved no less than a family who loved him and cared for him trying their best to do whatever he needed. Some things you do are on the list of things you never thought you would have to do, but in a time of need you don't hesitate.

I have nothing but respect and admiration for people who care for their elders, whether they are sick or merely aged. I believe it is the hardest job on the planet. Anyone who does this for years is a remarkable person. It is a tremendous sacrifice that not everyone is able to make.

 

[Warp Daddy]

We cared for my dad at home after he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was his desire to be at home. Unfortunately for us, he died just 8 days after his diagnosis. Fortunately for him, he was spared the excruciating death that some sadly suffer with cancer. The eight days of home care were the most stressful, sleep-deprived, sad, emotional, scary days of my life. That said, I wouldn't have missed a minute of that time with my Dad; he deserved no less than a family who loved him and cared for him trying their best to do whatever he needed. Some things you do are on the list of things you never thought you would have to do, but in a time of need you don't hesitate.

I have nothing but respect and admiration for people who care for their elders, whether they are sick or merely aged. I believe it is the hardest job on the planet. Anyone who does this for years is a remarkable person. It is a tremendous sacrifice that not everyone is able to make.

WELL SAID!!

--- Your DAD was WELL LOVED -- You DID the right things. He must have been a quality guy because he sure imprinted that characteristic on YOU !

 

[Beetlenut]

You know it's funny, or sad really, that we as a society are just now coming to terms with this responsibility. In other countries like Japan and Europe to some extent, this has always been the way. Large family groups, of several generations, help care for each other. Grandparents care for little ones while the parents make a living, and are then cared for in their time of need. I think this is a family dynamic that will see a resurgence in our society in the coming years, due to the tough economic times and failing health care system. I also think it has been a missing piece for several generations, as there have been fewer older, wiser influences in young peoples lives to pass on needed common sense, knowledge, morals and values.

 

[Warp Daddy]

You know it's funny, or sad really, that we as a society are just now coming to terms with this responsibility. In other countries like Japan and Europe to some extent, this has always been the way. Large family groups, of several generations, help care for each other. Grandparents care for little ones while the parents make a living, and are then cared for in their time of need. I think this is a family dynamic that will see a resurgence in our society in the coming years, due to the tough economic times and failing health care system. I also think it has been a missing piece for several generations, as there have been fewer older, wiser influences in young peoples lives to pass on needed common sense, knowledge, morals and values.

Good thoughts there Beetle, you are right on target !!!

I sincerely hope that one of the positive spinoffs from this protracted economic decline will be a return to the values you so nicely articulated . Our society now more than ever NEEDS to regain intergenerational familial bonding and value the obvious benefits of same . Isolation while enhancing independence and some level of personal growth can and often does generate a sense of ennui in many .

In many ways character and committment are enhanced as in Japan when such bonding is present

 

[MRGisevil]

I've never actually been faced with this situation. My family has this funny habit of not living to retirement...though I think my grandfather might have made it to 56 if that counts. Listening to your stories, however, I'm not quite sure how I would handle the level of emotion accompanying caring for an elderly family member. I'm trying to wrap my head around the possibility, but I'm not coming up with any quantifiable reply. I guess it's just one of those things you have to experience for yourself.

I would hope I'd do the right thing and give [him/her] what they truly wanted, whether it be spending their days at home or in assisted living- and I'd also hope I could be able to carry the cost of that want.

 

[hammer]

I think this is a family dynamic that will see a resurgence in our society in the coming years, due to the tough economic times and failing health care system. I also think it has been a missing piece for several generations, as there have been fewer older, wiser influences in young peoples lives to pass on needed common sense, knowledge, morals and values.

I'd like to know how this can happen if we continue to have dependence on two wage earners to make ends meet...

I think it's quite admirable to stay at home and care for one's parents, but it's not just the time commitment, but the significant financial impact of giving up as much as 50% (or more) of the family's income. Some households could manage this if they were to give up some of their "toys", but for a lot of households the second income is what allows them to make the mortgage payment.

I give a lot of credit to people who can take the time to care for their parents and grandparents in an at-home setting, but I'm not necessarily judgmental towards those who do not...

 

[deadheadskier]

You know it's funny, or sad really, that we as a society are just now coming to terms with this responsibility. In other countries like Japan and Europe to some extent, this has always been the way. Large family groups, of several generations, help care for each other. Grandparents care for little ones while the parents make a living, and are then cared for in their time of need. I think this is a family dynamic that will see a resurgence in our society in the coming years, due to the tough economic times and failing health care system. I also think it has been a missing piece for several generations, as there have been fewer older, wiser influences in young peoples lives to pass on needed common sense, knowledge, morals and values.

It's a function of American's desire for independence in every way possible. I won't say that it's right or wrong or sad that this is how 'we' often are socially.

My parents retired to Florida seven years ago. I'm grateful that they come north for four months a year, but even at that, they stay close to three hours away from me in Vermont. It is their choice to be around their buddies, whether it's Florida or Vermont. They saved significantly and I don't anticipate them coming home to stay with me when they get into their later years in life. Maybe perhaps when one of them passes on, but my guess is that eventually they will move from their retirement home into an assisted living facility and even when one of them becomes widowed, they will choose to stay there. I do not look forward to that time of my life when they'll be a three hour plane ride away in their final years. I suppose I could relocate to Florida, but the rest of my family and all of the family of my future in laws live up here, so it's unlikely.

I know the situation will be the opposite with my soon to be in laws. It has already been decided J and I will be responsible for her mom and her sister will be responsible for her dad and step mom. My guess is that if J's parents had the financial means to do so, that they would choose assisted living like my folks. I think part of them feels that they will be doing this, but having a pretty good idea regarding their finances, I highly doubt it. For this reason, when J and I move to our next home, having enough space for a modest in law apartment is part of the plan.

As for J and I. My hope is to be well off enough for us to go the assisted care route, though we don't desire to retire to Florida and live the country club lifestyle. That's not to do with my love for winter, it's for wanting to be near family. If we don't reach those goals, my hope is to have raised our children well enough such that they are in a position to care for us.

I do agree that as things currently look, multi-generational homes will be more commonplace. That said, I don't put a lot of stock in the numerous future forecasters saying our health care system and social security system will fail. The world changes too fast. Any forecast beyond five to ten years isn't worth looking at in my opinion. In my short 33 years, I've seen far too many changes to try and predict the future. Four recessions that I felt, 2 more that I was alive for, the two Iraq wars, HIV, Trade Center Bombings etc; almost all of these could not have been predicted 10 years prior and in some cases 5 years prior.

 

[GrilledSteezeSandwich]

Good thoughts there Beetle, you are right on target !!!

I sincerely hope that one of the positive spinoffs from this protracted economic decline will be a return to the values you so nicely articulated . Our society now more than ever NEEDS to regain intergenerational familial bonding and value the obvious benefits of same . Isolation while enhancing independence and some level of personal growth can and often does generate a sense of ennui in many .

In many ways character and committment are enhanced as in Japan when such bonding is present

I agree..I live 3 miles from my parents and I'm fortunate to spend alot of time with them. Of course I'll help them out when they are older but fortunately they're in the financial situation that they will have round the clock nurses when needed..the same for my grandmother who is no longer 100% independent. A big relief because I would definitely not be comfortable wiping my Mom or Dads ass...I think I would be more comfortable wiping a strangers ass..

Anyway right now the delivery driver at my work is caring for his Mom everyday from 430PM until early in the morning when he gets ready for work. He's been averaging 2-3 hours of sleep per night as his 92 year old Mom is constantly waking him up..they have a nurse during the day but can't afford round the clock care. She has terminal cancer so will likely only live a few more weeks/months...and his other siblings are unwilling to help...don't want to deal..what a good son...

 

[playoutside]

Apologies for a very long post, but this topic hits close to home...
Every person/family must make whatever decisions work for them: finances, time, life circumstances all are factors. Some decisions are very difficult; some scenarios are those you might never dream of, so the best laid plans don't always pan out.

After my Dad died, we began a several year slippery slope of health issues for my Mom. She became depressed over my Dad's death, she neglected her care, stopped eating appropriately (not a good thing for a diabetic). My sister (thankfully) lived with my mom, but while working full time and dealing with a very stubborn woman, could not really help her. Finally the crap hit the fan and my Mom was hospitalized. Over 30 days in the hospital, a myriad of doctors poked and prodded my mom, fixed some things, found some other things, did some back surgery. At 30 days they sent her to rehab where my Mom was a bad patient (as many former nurses are) who cooperated intermittently. At 90 days of rehab (Medicare pays for 100 days), my siblings and I had to tell my mother that she was never going to leave the rehab/nursing home because she was not progressing. This was AWFUL. She was furious, we were astounded it had come to this.

Good thing was she finally rallied and cooperated and did her rehab consistently. No way in hell was she planning to spend the rest of her days in a home. Bad thing was we were on our own dime at day 101of rehab...$10K/month. My parents had saved, but this kind of thing eats up money pretty fast. After 6 months, my Mom was well enough to leave rehab. She thought for her home and we felt that would just allow her to slide down the slope again. Again we had hard conversations and involved a geriatric care manager to help ease the blow.

We insisted she go to assisted living. We involved her in the choice and visited several. She was a reluctant participant. The one we chose runs about $4K/month...further eating up the remaining savings. The good thing is, she has now lived there for 3 years. When she was in rehab, we wondered if she would see her next birthday, now we can see much farther down the road for her. The friends, activities, oversite of meds, meals-prepared is what keeps her alive and is worth every dime. Although at the end of the day, there are not many dimes left!!

Neither my Mom, nor any of us kids would have envisioned the road we have traveled. We sometimes could only make decisions for the next day and never imagined we would see today, but in the end are fortunate because she is still with us. Some days the whole mess feels like a giant burden, but again the alternative is so much worse.

 

[dmc]

yes

 

[bigbog]

....

You know it's funny, or sad really, that we as a society are just now coming to terms with this responsibility. In other countries like Japan and Europe to some extent, this has always been the way. Large family groups, of several generations, help care for each other. Grandparents care for little ones while the parents make a living, and are then cared for in their time of need. I think this is a family dynamic that will see a resurgence in our society in the coming years, due to the tough economic times and failing health care system. I also think it has been a missing piece for several generations, as there have been fewer older, wiser influences in young peoples lives to pass on needed common sense, knowledge, morals and values.

Beetlenut++;
There are some parts of the healthcare system that work well, it's just that Washington has to decide when it's time to stop trying to rule by plundering the world and profiting from the designed riches of both WallStreet and the defense complex...and start providing care of its citizens' lifestyles....not designed for the wealthier..

 

[billski]

I've lost both of my parents to protracted illnesses and I lived 450 miles from them. It pained me not to be there everyday. We move away for better jobs, but it separates families more and more. The daily care landed on my sister's shoulders. If your parent ends up in a nearly-vegetative state, caring for them become herculean. The expense of caring for them becomes astronomical. In my father's case, there was no choice but a nursing home, where he lingered for 2 years unable to speak or communicate in any way, expressionless. In my mother's case, she insisted on being at home to her own hazard, causing many middle-of the night crisis.

The way I look at it is this, they put up with your teen years while you stressed them out, they sacrificed for you, they wiped your butt, you returned the favor by throwing up on them. They really only want one thing in life at this point - having your company. Their friends are dying, it can be a very lonely life. Once you are chronically sick, most of your friends disappear, being uncomfortable spending time with you in such an awful state.

The worst part is if you have young children and ailing parents. You are giving care at both ends. Modern medicine provides a real quandry - there is so much that can be done, but sometimes it's a slippery slope that ends you in a point that you never wanted to be in to begin with (artificial feeding.)

Anyways, that's my two cents. You might be lucky and they go quickly, that they have a great attitude and great friends and family. But chronic illness takes its toll on you.

There are no easy answers. But there is one thing you can do now. Make certain your parents tell you exactly how they want to be cared for in their final days. My father wouldn't and it was hell, making medical and comfort decisions by guessing what he would want. It doesn't make it any easier, but it does give you calm to know you gave him the best you could and what he would have chosen.

 

[Geoff]

There are some demographic realities to consider here. The average family size in the US is 3.13. This ain't The Waltons. There are far more people in the population with zero or one kid than larger families. The US population is also very mobile. It's common for children to move far away to seek work. It's common for older people to move to lower cost of living areas when they retire. The trend is that the majority of people hitting retirement age will exist in poverty and they will either have no children or a single child who lacks the economic resources to provide any kind of care and economic subsidy.

 

[GrilledSteezeSandwich]

This thread has me wanting to draw up a living will...

 

[Warp Daddy]

This thread has me wanting to draw up a living will...

Always a good idea