Views wanted on marriage/monogamy/infidelity

[severine]

I think it's been well addressed that most everyone agrees that cheating is wrong. What are people's thoughts on getting past such an event and continuing a relationship if it was one isolated incident?

I think my POV on this is known by some here... We all make mistakes. We all make bad choices. But we don't have to let those choices define us. If the cheating partner truly is remorseful, then I totally believe in working through the problems of the marriage. Not only that, but I feel that if both are committed to that task, you can have a stronger marriage and love each other more than before. BUT the problem is that BOTH parties have to be willing to commit to reconciliation. It's not an easy process, it requires a lot of work on communication, transparency, boundaries, etc. And if only one person in the relationship wants it, then it doesn't work (leaving them with no other choice than divorce).

I truly believe that if a person wants to get past infidelity, s/he can. But s/he has to want to and some would rather escape into the fantasy instead.

And now I probably got too personal. I apologize.

I am impressed by the insight offered in this thread, however. When I was a teenager, I never intended to get married for various reasons. Ownership definitely didn't sit well with me (but there were other reasons I thought were important at the time that faded into the background as I got older). I agree that one does not have to be married to be in a committed relationship. But it appears to me that perhaps people just aren't as committed anymore. Perhaps? Or maybe right now I can't see the forest for the trees...

 

[GrilledSteezeSandwich]

My parents have been married over 60 years .. yup they have had their ups and downs too.. You can do whatever you choose to do .. maybe there should be 5 year marriage contracts, renewable for this generation ..This going to be a shock for most of you but marriage sole purpose was to have and raise children not to make you happy all the time .. you can be happy doing this but it is not a requirement.

Your parents generation...my grandparents..were just so different and unlike any generation we'll ever see again. They lived through the Depression..and through food rationing during World War 2..Women lived at home with their parents until they were married and they hardly ever went to college. People had tons of kids..people were far less materialistic and were happy with a refridgerator..one TV..a small house..a simple trip to the lake...people hardly ever went out to dinner..There was no Sex in the City generation then...Not many independent professional women..not many overgrown frat-dogs skibumming or playing beer pong when pushing 30. People followed a routine..got dressed up for baseball games..and were so Patriotic.

The world is just so different now...Generation Me is a book I'd suggest checking out...

http://www.generationme.org/aboutbook.html

It's about people born after 1970....attitudes have changed so much...My generation is a hell of alot different than the Baby Boomers...They're the first generation to most likely not be better off than their parents..even though they are the most educated generation..Even people my parents ages mainly got married in their early 20s..now people are getting married later which as DeadHeadSkier talked about earlier..is a really good idea. I personally don't expect to get married until I'm at least 35..I'm still finding myself..and I still have some growing up to do..despite almost being 28...But my lifestyle now vs 5 years ago is night and day..yeah the 20s are a time to grow up..only uber mature people my age are ready for marriage and children..IMHO..at least in the society we live in today..

 

[GrilledSteezeSandwich]

Celebrating my 21st year of marital bliss in september.

Wow Moe..I didn't realize you've been married so long..

 

[deadheadskier]

But it appears to me that perhaps people just aren't as committed anymore. Perhaps? Or maybe right now I can't see the forest for the trees...

Perhaps.....

I really don't think it's necessarily a change in mentality / philosophy though. It's not like everyone has read the Celestine Prophecy and thinks that monogamy is for the un-evolved.

I just think the world is far more complicated today and the outside stresses these complications puts on people as individuals makes it harder to give a relationship the attention it truly deserves.

 

[bigbog]

.....but then things got bad and it was like somebody took a dump on the cake..sure you can push the poop off the cake but it's still going to have poopy residue....

..Steeze, I've never heard that one!....ROTFL... :lol: :lol:...

 

[Philpug]

No if your unhappy in a relationship just leave .. so to wander is like trying to find a better deal before leaving. I told my ex it wasn't so much her leaving it was about how she went about it. She might have been unhappy but I had no opportunity to know about it or try to do something about it. My answer just might have been leave then if that is what will make you happy.. But I was not part of the process to end the relationship.

IMHO, this is the reason the divorce rate is so high. It is too easy to just leave. I could get into my situation, but basically we worked it and didn't "just leave".

 

[snoseek]

Your parents generation...my grandparents..were just so different and unlike any generation we'll ever see again. They lived through the Depression..and through food rationing during World War 2..Women lived at home with their parents until they were married and they hardly ever went to college. People had tons of kids..people were far less materialistic and were happy with a refridgerator..one TV..a small house..a simple trip to the lake...people hardly ever went out to dinner..There was no Sex in the City generation then...Not many independent professional women..not many overgrown frat-dogs skibumming or playing beer pong when pushing 30. People followed a routine..got dressed up for baseball games..and were so Patriotic.

The world is just so different now...Generation Me is a book I'd suggest checking out...

http://www.generationme.org/aboutbook.html

It's about people born after 1970....attitudes have changed so much...My generation is a hell of alot different than the Baby Boomers...They're the first generation to most likely not be better off than their parents..even though they are the most educated generation..Even people my parents ages mainly got married in their early 20s..now people are getting married later which as DeadHeadSkier talked about earlier..is a really good idea. I personally don't expect to get married until I'm at least 35..I'm still finding myself..and I still have some growing up to do..despite almost being 28...But my lifestyle now vs 5 years ago is night and day..yeah the 20s are a time to grow up..only uber mature people my age are ready for marriage and children..IMHO..at least in the society we live in today..

you're so right about the difference in generations. I really think the American family is going to shrink for so many reasons. People are waiting so much later in life to make all of these decisions-there is too many distractions in life to settle down at 19 and have kids ect....

My parents give me $hit about marrying my current sweety that I've been with for nearly six years now but we are plenty happy the way things are-simple and easy with no pressure. I know I've found the same kind of soul mate and love that so many married people have and feel no need to make it legal. If things take a bad turn for some reason well thats life, other than that we are committed just like anyone else.


I wonder if the pressures of staying together because of marraige and or kids contribute to infidelity. I mean without these binds you would be more free to do as you truly please without repressing the urges for years.

 

[OldsnowboarderME]

IMHO, this is the reason the divorce rate is so high. It is too easy to just leave. I could get into my situation, but basically we worked it and didn't "just leave".

I agree with you completely on your point ..what I was meaning if your so unhappy in your present relationship that your actively looking to bed somebody else down you should bring the present relationship to an end. The other party probably won't be happy but at least some respect is shown to them and to yourself.

 

[OldsnowboarderME]

I agree with you completely on your point ..what I was meaning if your so unhappy in your present relationship that your actively looking to bed somebody else down you should bring the present relationship to an end. The other party probably won't be happy but at least some respect is shown to them and to yourself.

Oh the end of the marriage relationship is when you have the divorce papers in hand that have been signed by the court .. only then should you seek new sexual partners ..being separated doesn't count. I still say living together without the benefit of marriage is still having one foot out the door. Your leaving yourself an easy way out. I probably won't ever get married again just because of the financial considerations. I am not sharing my retirement money with anybody again.

 

[OldsnowboarderME]

Our views are different OSBM. Nothing more, nothing less. I think cheating is horribly wrong. I don't think divorce is though. The girls who cheated on me, shouldn't have. The all were right in leaving me though to find a partner who could fulfill them better. Square peg, round hole clouded by lust.

After reading your posts .. I was way too critical of you and your POV at first .. I apologize to you .. I should have held off and I feel bad about not having done that .. even after 10 years it can be still be a touchy subject for me.. as you get older events can seem like yesterday that are decades old.

 

[OldsnowboarderME]

Our views are different OSBM. Nothing more, nothing less. I think cheating is horribly wrong. I don't think divorce is though. The girls who cheated on me, shouldn't have. The all were right in leaving me though to find a partner who could fulfill them better. Square peg, round hole clouded by lust.

Oh please use OSME .. OSBM sounds like some kind of a bowel movement .. not that what I have to say isn't one at times ..

 

[GrilledSteezeSandwich]

..Steeze, I've never heard that one!....ROTFL... :lol: :lol:...

You've never heard that because I made that up..lol

 

[severine]

IMHO, this is the reason the divorce rate is so high. It is too easy to just leave. I could get into my situation, but basically we worked it and didn't "just leave".

Totally agree. But that's the thing - it takes work. Some (many?) just aren't willing to do that.

Check out the forums at survivinginfidelity.com sometime - it's sobering. Probably'll make you cynical about marriage, too.

I agree with you completely on your point ..what I was meaning if your so unhappy in your present relationship that your actively looking to bed somebody else down you should bring the present relationship to an end. The other party probably won't be happy but at least some respect is shown to them and to yourself.

Oh the end of the marriage relationship is when you have the divorce papers in hand that have been signed by the court .. only then should you seek new sexual partners ..being separated doesn't count. I still say living together without the benefit of marriage is still having one foot out the door. Your leaving yourself an easy way out. I probably won't ever get married again just because of the financial considerations. I am not sharing my retirement money with anybody again.

Totally agree.

Though I will add this... I read the book Uncoupling, which is a sociological study of how people break up. It was interesting that there's almost a textbook-like series of circumstances that just about every relationship and party of the relationship goes through before the actual break up. In the book, finding another person before breaking up was likened to finding another job before you leave the one you currently have and don't like. I could almost understand that (though I still don't condone it).

You've never heard that because I made that up..lol

It's a great analogy, though. I shared that one with my dad last night and he thought it was perfect.

 

[deadheadskier]

IMHO, this is the reason the divorce rate is so high. It is too easy to just leave. I could get into my situation, but basically we worked it and didn't "just leave".

This very much dependent on where you live. If your marriage license is in the state of Maryland, you have to be legally separated for a year before you can get a divorce. I believe you also have to have record that you at least attempted some relationship counseling.

 

[noski]

...Granted, if you don't get married, you can't get the other's medical insurance... .

Actually, in VT if you have a domestic partner for one year, you can include him/her on your insurance.

In my experience when one marries in their (typical) early/mid 20's you can grow apart by growing and maturing in different directions. You don't have enough life experience at that age to see a clear maturity path. Now, remarried in my late 40's (a whole week now), I am a more self assured, confident, and most importantly- truly happy person. This marriage is one with depth and maturity. What a difference.

 

[Trekchick]

I think it's been well addressed that most everyone agrees that cheating is wrong. What are people's thoughts on getting past such an event and continuing a relationship if it was one isolated incident?

I think that an affair can be forgiven and worked through, but a pattern or lifestyle of infidelity is a lost cause in any marriage.


To the original thoughts of this thread:
The 7 year itch is a real thing, because we all go through cycles of growth every 5-7 years. In the interest of growth, we need to reevaluate our partnership and make sure that the other person is coming along for the ride.
I'm most definitely not the same woman my husband married, THANK GOD!
There has only been one time in my life I wanted to Jump Ship, because I thought we had grown too far apart and would never reconnect, but we worked on it, (both involved in the work) and we are both better individuals today, which makes us a better couple.
21 years this October, and I'll be 42, so I'll have been married to him half my life.

Here's another question:
How do you think age plays a role in marriage?
Age of marriage
Age at the time of marriage
Age difference between him/her

 

[tjf67]

Infidelity is wrong. That being said if you bring up to your partner what your needs and expectations are and they are unwilling to, or simply neglectful of then it is time for a decision.

Life is to short spending 25 years of it miserable.

 

[drjeff]

Here's another question:
How do you think age plays a role in marriage?
Age of marriage
Age at the time of marriage
Age difference between him/her

Age as a factor - YES. In general, older is better IMHO, since most folks, especially guys do alot of maturing (or atleast theoretically) between age 18 and 30.

Age of marriage - I was 25, and in now way in my situation would I have considered getting married earlier

Age difference - my wife is just under 5 months older than myself. I think that dpending on the age that you get married that the age difference can make a big difference. For the younger aged folks, closer is better, just simply because of similarities in life experiences. The older and more "seasoned" you get the less of a factor age difference becomes. As someone who works around quite a few attractive women who are 10+ years younger than myself, and in a sense has a very close day to day relationship with them at work, while I find them easy on my eyes, the life experience difference between us is just way to large to make me even consider something like that.

 

[Dr Skimeister]

This very much dependent on where you live. If your marriage license is in the state of Maryland, you have to be legally separated for a year before you can get a divorce. I believe you also have to have record that you at least attempted some relationship counseling.

In most states, the time between seperation and the granting of a divorce decree depends on the grounds for the divorce suit. "Irreconcilable differences", the most common grounds for divorce typically has the longer wait time. Adultery, Physical or Mental Abuse have the shorter waits. I think though, that those have to be proven if the defendant party choses to contest.

 

[Warp Daddy]

I think that an affair can be forgiven and worked through, but a pattern or lifestyle of infidelity is a lost cause in any marriage.


To the original thoughts of this thread:
The 7 year itch is a real thing, because we all go through cycles of growth every 5-7 years. In the interest of growth, we need to reevaluate our partnership and make sure that the other person is coming along for the ride.
I'm most definitely not the same woman my husband married, THANK GOD!
There has only been one time in my life I wanted to Jump Ship, because I thought we had grown too far apart and would never reconnect, but we worked on it, (both involved in the work) and we are both better individuals today, which makes us a better couple.
21 years this October, and I'll be 42, so I'll have been married to him half my life.

Here's another question:
How do you think age plays a role in marriage?
Age of marriage
Age at the time of marriage
Age difference between him/her

ALL great questions : INO TO synthesize what appears to be some commonality in several comments made from all of us --it seems that EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE ( at whatever age it's attained ) is critical to the endurance of ANY relationship . EQ gives us ability to adapt and deal with many situations .

To be sure violence, abuse or a pattern of TRUST busting behaviors are strong indicators of underdeveloped EQ and other underlying behavioral issues and are cause for separation . But often the in-ability to communicate ON THE SMALL stuff leads to Largert issues in the end result --my 2 cents