Views wanted on marriage/monogamy/infidelity

[deadheadskier]

Here's another question:
How do you think age plays a role in marriage?
Age of marriage
Age at the time of marriage
Age difference between him/her

I've expressed my views on this, but....

Age of marriage: I'm 32 and I am not married, happily living in sin for almost two years though

Age at time of marriage: TBD for me. For most people I think 30 is a good age for men; 26-27ish for women

Age difference: If I'm fortunate enough to marry J someday, I am 6.5 years older than her. I think roughly 15 years is a healthy 'max' number.

 

[ComeBackMudPuddles]

For most people I think 30 is a good age for men; 26-27ish for women

I disagree that there is an "ideal" age for marriage. It's not a phase or step in life. Either you're ready or you're not (be it at 18 or 60).

Regarding infidelity....Yes, it's terrible, but there are many reasons for a marriage to go south, and infidelity is just a knee-jerk obvious one. Someone emotionally detached and unsupportive deserves to get dumped just as much as a cheater.

 

[Trekchick]

My feeling on age:

Age at the time of marriage
I think there is too much change and growth between the ages of 18-25, so my advice to anyone considering marriage. Wait until you're 25. Hopefully your brain has formed enough by that point that any growth that follows will be more easily pursued with another person in your life and with more understanding of the other individual.

Age difference
My husband is nearly 10 years older than I am. Because of this, I spent a lot of the early years of my marriage looking to him as a mentor and guide, which was a blessing in many ways, yet a curse in others. It wasn't until later in my marriage that I blossomed as an individual, and became an equal partner in the relationship. I'm not sure that everyone has the tools to break the patterns and become a better partner when there is that kind of age difference and such a dominant figure in the marriage.

 

[deadheadskier]

I disagree that there is an "ideal" age for marriage. It's not a phase or step in life. Either you're ready or you're not (be it at 18 or 60).

If you noticed, I did say 'most'.....meaning there are exceptions. I agree, you're either ready or not, but I feel for 'most' men, they aren't mature enough until they are 30+. Mind you, I have held this opinion since I was 20 or so; it has nothing to do with me being over 30 and having never married.

I personally don't see why individuals would rush to get married before the age of say 23.

In a former life, I hosted numerous weddings; probably 250 plus. Many of these were in the mid-west and mid-atlantic states where it was quite common to see TEENAGERS getting married. Seriously, brides and husbands to young to even have a champagne toast at their wedding. Why?

Actually in Vermont I hosted a wedding on NYE four years ago. The bride was 19, the groom was 20. A couple of my servers went to high school with the bride and the bride demanded that these girls not work the function because she didn't like them. You think she was mature enough to get married? This event cost her parents over thirty grand. Six months later they got pregnant, six months after that they were divorced before the birth of the child and a year and a half later she was marrying another guy again at the hotel for around 30 g's. When I used to work in the wedding business, we used to love those young couples because most of the time, they ended up being repeat customers :lol:



I really just don't see the rush for 'most' people. Enjoy your life, travel, experience the world, become educated and get your career started.

 

[OldsnowboarderME]

In most states, the time between seperation and the granting of a divorce decree depends on the grounds for the divorce suit. "Irreconcilable differences", the most common grounds for divorce typically has the longer wait time. Adultery, Physical or Mental Abuse have the shorter waits. I think though, that those have to be proven if the defendant party choses to contest.

In Maine .. the wait is only 2 weeks or as long as it takes for the ink to dry on the paper..

 

[severine]

I do think people mature (for the most part) as they get older, and waiting to get married would probably prevent mismatches from occurring. HOWEVER, there are no guarantees.

In my case, I waited 6 years to get married, thinking that would mean we were past the worst. I was nearly 24 the day I got married. In retrospect, perhaps I should have waited longer. But again, no guarantees. I know of others who married younger and with less time dating who remain married to this day after decades.

Regarding the discussion of waiting periods for divorce, in CT, it's 90 days. That's it. When you add in the 3 weeks leeway for getting papers served, that means that if you're dilligent (and go pro se or mediation instead of litigation), you can get divorced within 4 months with no required counseling. Even with kids. There is a required parenting class but that's it. Going the litigation route, I was quoted 10 months minimum because of all the court involvement and scheduling between attorneys. But again, still only a 90 day cool-off period.

I would think that maybe an extended cool-off period would *hopefully* allow those marriages that are just going through a rough spot and shouldn't really be over to possibly reconcile. But I don't know. There's also the consideration that once the initiator has decided it's over, there's not a whole lot that would bring him/her back since by the time that announcement has been made, s/he has already grieved and removed him/herself from the marriage a long time ago.

People do change. My father loves to tell me this quote (he paraphrases) that is supposedly from Antonio Banderas about how wonderful marriage is because it gives you the opportunity to fall in and out of love with the same person numerous times over a lifetime. I firmly believe that's the case; nobody gets along all the time, but if you can ride it out, it gets better. It just seems to me that most don't want to ride it out, which is why I started to wonder if humans as a species are just not meant to be monogamous or share a lifetime with only 1 partner.

I still don't know for sure.

 

[OldsnowboarderME]

I do think people mature (for the most part) as they get older, and waiting to get married would probably prevent mismatches from occurring. HOWEVER, there are no guarantees.

In my case, I waited 6 years to get married, thinking that would mean we were past the worst. I was nearly 24 the day I got married. In retrospect, perhaps I should have waited longer. But again, no guarantees. I know of others who married younger and with less time dating who remain married to this day after decades.

Regarding the discussion of waiting periods for divorce, in CT, it's 90 days. That's it. When you add in the 3 weeks leeway for getting papers served, that means that if you're dilligent (and go pro se or mediation instead of litigation), you can get divorced within 4 months with no required counseling. Even with kids. There is a required parenting class but that's it. Going the litigation route, I was quoted 10 months minimum because of all the court involvement and scheduling between attorneys. But again, still only a 90 day cool-off period.

I would think that maybe an extended cool-off period would *hopefully* allow those marriages that are just going through a rough spot and shouldn't really be over to possibly reconcile. But I don't know. There's also the consideration that once the initiator has decided it's over, there's not a whole lot that would bring him/her back since by the time that announcement has been made, s/he has already grieved and removed him/herself from the marriage a long time ago.

People do change. My father loves to tell me this quote (he paraphrases) that is supposedly from Antonio Banderas about how wonderful marriage is because it gives you the opportunity to fall in and out of love with the same person numerous times over a lifetime. I firmly believe that's the case; nobody gets along all the time, but if you can ride it out, it gets better. It just seems to me that most don't want to ride it out, which is why I started to wonder if humans as a species are just not meant to be monogamous or share a lifetime with only 1 partner.

I still don't know for sure.

Trust me .. dating after 50 is not much fun .. I would have preferred to have been married. I don't want to fall in and out of love with different women. I would have been happy with just the one.

 

[severine]

Trust me .. dating after 50 is not much fun .. I would have preferred to have been married. I don't want to fall in and out of love with different women. I would have been happy with just the one.

I hear ya and I'm much younger. Having 1 person to love, 1 person's crap to deal with, whatever, is far better than many in the same time frame. Quality, not quantity.

 

[GrilledSteezeSandwich]

Oh please use OSME .. OSBM sounds like some kind of a bowel movement .. not that what I have to say isn't one at times ..

It sounds like ODB...aka Old Dirty Bastard from the Wu Tang Clan...RIP Dirt Dawg..:beer:

 

[GrilledSteezeSandwich]

I wonder what percentage of married people have no children??? It must be less than half..but most likely growing..

 

[GrilledSteezeSandwich]

I've expressed my views on this, but....

I think roughly 15 years is a healthy 'max' number.

So my future wife might be in middle school..:smile:

 

[drjeff]

I wonder what percentage of married people have no children??? It must be less than half..but most likely growing..

I'd also bet that overall the percentage of folks having 3+ kids is declining too.

 

[GrilledSteezeSandwich]

Trust me .. dating after 50 is not much fun .. I would have preferred to have been married. I don't want to fall in and out of love with different women. I would have been happy with just the one.

On Match.com there are alot of people over age 50 and some women in their 30s date men in their 50s..

 

[GrilledSteezeSandwich]

I'd also bet that overall the percentage of folks having 3+ kids is declining too.

Hell yeah..kids are expensive..It would be cool to be a DINK one day...Double Income No Kids..well I'm really just afraid to change a babies diaper..something I've never done..but I guess cleaning up your own kids poop isn't that big of a deal..

 

[drjeff]

I'd also bet that overall the percentage of folks having 3+ kids is declining too.

Just did a little google search and in an article I found based on 1998 census bureau stats, 18.4 percent of married women of childbearing age (15-44) were childless - That equated into 5.7 million women.

That number was up from 2.4% of the same demographic of married women being childless in 1982.

 

[GrilledSteezeSandwich]

Just did a little google search and in an article I found based on 1998 census bureau stats, 18.4 percent of married women of childbearing age (15-44) were childless - That equated into 5.7 million women.

That number was up from 2.4% of the same demographic of married women being childless in 1982.

Birth control pills should be madatory until a woman is like 30..lol

 

[deadheadskier]

Trust me .. dating after 50 is not much fun .. I would have preferred to have been married. I don't want to fall in and out of love with different women. I would have been happy with just the one.

I certainly wouldn't want to be dating after the age of 50. I can understand how hard that might be.

I'm glad I've gone through a half dozen failed serious relationships though; one of those being a girl I dated age 18 until 24 who I thought for certain I would end up marrying one day. Each woman / relationship was different and I grew from the experience. All of those relationships were with women whom I loved dearly and the break ups always hurt terribly. That said, I can look back at all of these relationships and see that no matter how much work I or the girls put into the relationship, we just were not compatible. Even if I met them today where I'm at a stage in my life where I am much more settled and mature than my younger crazy party days, a long term relationship with these women would not work.

 

[GrilledSteezeSandwich]

Well one problem with older people dating is when an old man doesn't feel up his date..he feels her down..wow that was bad and tasteless..but grandmas wear the wonderbra these days..lol

At a local danceclub..I feel old hitting up College night but there are a few 50-something men who always go there and stand on the side of the dancefloor staring at the college girls..I don't want to be one of them in 25 years.

 

[Warp Daddy]

Well one ..I don't want to be one of them in 25 years.

Then get off the friggin net And GIT BUSY ---------- LMAO

 

[GrilledSteezeSandwich]

Then get off the friggin net And GIT BUSY ---------- LMAO

You'd be surprised..I've been doing well lately...I'm just not ready to date one girl right now..I like to casually date a few different women so I can compare and contrast...before I go steady...lol

I think I'll probably get married in my late 30s..