Marriage: It's Only Going to Get Worse

[severine]

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/23014798/

Your marriage is going to get worse, study says
Couples irritate each other more as they age, but that means they're close
Paul Burns / Getty Images stock

The longer couples are together, they more irritating they find each other, a study shows. But that also seems to be normal in a close relationship, researchers add.

If your spouse already bugs you now, the future is bleak. New research suggests couples view one another as even more irritating and demanding the longer they are together.

The same trend was not found for relationships with children or friends.

The study results could be a consequence of accumulated contact with a spouse, such that the nitpicking or frequent demands that once triggered just a mild chafe develops into a major pain. But accumulated irritation has its silver lining.
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"As we age and become closer and more comfortable with one another, it could be that we're more able to express ourselves to each other," said lead study author Kira Birditt, a research fellow at the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research. "In other words, it's possible that negativity is a normal aspect of close relationships that include a great deal of daily contact."

Rather than breeding unhappy couples and ill health, the increase in negativity could be a normal part of relationships.

"Because we found that pattern was overall among the participants, it appears to be normative. It's not something unusual that happens," Birditt said.

Relationship report
Birditt and U-M colleagues Lisa Jackey and Toni Antonucci looked at how negative views of spouses, friends and children changed over time and among different age groups, including young adults (ages 20 to 39), middle-aged adults (40 to 59) and older adults (60 and over).

The researchers analyzed responses collected in 1992 and 2005 as part of the Social Relations and Health Over the Life Course study, a regionally representative sample of people from the greater Detroit metropolitan area.

More than 800 individuals indicated the level of negativity in relationships with their spouses or partners, children and best friends. Participants also noted whether or not their responses referred to the same spouse, child and friend during the 2005 interviews.

Each participant rated how strongly they agreed or disagreed with two statements:

* "My (spouse/partner, child, friend) gets on my nerves."
* "My (spouse/partner, child, friend) makes too many demands on me."

Irksome partners
In all age groups, individuals reported viewing their spouse as the most negative compared with children and friends. The negative view of spouses tended to increase over time.

"We were surprised because in the gerontological research, it suggests that as people age they get better at regulating their emotions and experience less negative relationships," Birditt told LiveScience. "But we found that it depends on which relationship you're looking at."

As relationships with spouses became more negative, relationships with children and friends seemed to become less demanding and irritating over time. Negativity toward friends decreases over time partially because we can continuously choose and weed our friends, ditching those pals who are irritating, according to the researchers.

"Relationships with children may become less negative because of role changes as children move through adolescence and young adulthood, grow and mature, usually becoming more stable and independent," Birditt explained. Kids moving out didn't seem to impact spousal negativity, however, as the researchers found the same trend for spouses irrespective of the age group.

Participants in their 20s and 30s reported having the most negative relationships overall. Older adults had the least negative relationships with spouses, children and friends. Past research by Birditt and others has shown that older adults are more likely to report less conflict in their relationships compared with younger adults.

"Older adults are more likely than younger people to report that they try to deal with conflict by avoiding confrontations, rather than by discussing problems," Birditt said.

In general, the longer partners stay together, the more they have to deal with the other's idiosyncrasies, for instance. "When you’re living together, it’s a lot harder to avoid each other," Birditt said.

 

[bvibert]

Sounds great, can hardly wait...

FYI, I at least opened and read some of this article..

 

[severine]

If it makes you feel better, I mostly skim longer articles.

 

[Paul]

Great.

 

[severine]

You know, it's not like I came up with this. I was sitting in the car with the kids sleeping and they were talking about this study on CCC. So I had to look it up and share it with all of you, of course!

 

[drjeff]

On the flip side, the more you argue with your spouse, the more chances for "make-up sex"

 

[Grassi21]

I don't buy into this article. I prefer to follow a quote I read on the train this morning:

"... a true companion halves the misery and doubles the joys."

- Everett Ruess

 

[Marc]

All I saw at that link was "blah, blah, blah, don't get married, blah, blah, blah"

 

[MRGisevil]

Curious. Mine's only gotten better.

 

[mlctvt]

On the flip side, the more you argue with your spouse, the more chances for "make-up sex"

I think I'm going to go home and get in a fight. :razz:

 

[jack97]

I think I'm going to go home and get in a fight. :razz:

I tried that and ended up sleep downstairs with the dogs......hmm I've been getting along great with the canine crowd.

 

[Warp Daddy]

Thats a generalized piece of poppycock research !!

Relationships that thrive are based on "understanding " each partners communication style ( Look up Communications styles / style bias etc) and more IMPORTANTLY flexing to meet one's partners style on occasion THRIVE

I 've been married to the greatest woman for 43 yrs since we were 20/ 22 yrs old reaapectively . She looks fabulous and is even better as an intellectual and interesting companion who is alive and vvital .

Every day for me is THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE because of her --Point is Don't fall for alot of Pop psychology bantered about in the media

We Work at UNDERSTANDING each others style 'complement" each others strength and weaknesses

 

[severine]

On the flip side, the more you argue with your spouse, the more chances for "make-up sex"

Um, yeah. That's not a guarantee.

All I saw at that link was "blah, blah, blah, don't get married, blah, blah, blah"

I don't think you need to worry about that.

Relationships that thrive are based on "understanding " each partners communication style ( Look up Communications styles / style bias etc) and more IMPORTANTLY flexing to meet one's partners style on occasion THRIVE
...
We Work at UNDERSTANDING each others style 'complement" each others strength and weaknesses

Hey, I didn't write it. Just thought it was interesting.

Brian and I have been together for 12.5 years, married for nearly 7 of those years. That's small time in the grand scheme, but many marriages don't last even that long these days. (Heck, my closest friend is going through a divorce right now with 2 kids the same age as ours but she's 4 years younger than we are and they were married for only 5 years.) I'd like to think I don't complain more than I did when we met, but it's hard to say. I was 17 then, I'm 30 now. I think things just change as you get older regardless. But you do have to learn to work with each other or it won't last. Or worse yet, it will be like hell on earth (which is what my parents' marriage has been reduced to after 31 years and a long-time affair my father had while I was growing up - being in their home is tense as there's constant yelling and name-calling - but that's another subject).

 

[Marc]

I don't think you need to worry about that.

You don't know how much I wish that were true.

 

[Paul]

I don't buy into this article. I prefer to follow a quote I read on the train this morning:

"... a true companion halves the misery and doubles the joys."

- Everett Ruess

Curious. Mine's only gotten better.

Ahhhh... Youthful idealism. Good luck, kids!

SRSLY, we fight like cats and dogs, but it does make things interesting. I can't imagine being stuck with someone who was in complete agreement with me all the time. I may live in CT, but I sure as Hell ain't gonna live in Stepford.

EDIT: Yay, in honor of this thread, I'm finally changing my avatar.

 

[andyzee]

Most articles and studies are nothing more than a load of crap that just generate income for the author.

 

[ckofer]

Hey at least it's snowing again.

relevance: when the going gets tough, change the subject

 

[dmc]

Eat - drink and re-marry...

 

[deadheadskier]

Thats a generalized piece of poppycock research !!

Relationships that thrive are based on "understanding " each partners communication style ( Look up Communications styles / style bias etc) and more IMPORTANTLY flexing to meet one's partners style on occasion THRIVE

I 've been married to the greatest woman for 43 yrs since we were 20/ 22 yrs old reaapectively . She looks fabulous and is even better as an intellectual and interesting companion who is alive and vvital .

Every day for me is THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE because of her --Point is Don't fall for alot of Pop psychology bantered about in the media

We Work at UNDERSTANDING each others style 'complement" each others strength and weaknesses

I think I need to hire you as both my financial advisor for retirement and my relationship counselor :lol:

well...perhaps not relationship, that goes very well for me. Guess I'm just sayin' that I greatly admire your perspective on these areas of life.

 

[dmc]

I 've been married to the greatest woman for 43 yrs since we were 20/ 22 yrs old reaapectively

thats young.. I had some good times in my mid-20's... the kind of times you can't have with a wife..


43 years... AWESOME!!! I've been engaged for the last 9....