How would you handle it?

[highpeaksdrifter]

I thought this might be something we could kick around a little.

Your spouse who is a non-skier and winter hater comes to you with this ultimatum. Quit skiing or I’m leaving you. She/he feels neglected because for years she/he has stayed home on weekends while you are off skiing. She/he says she/he can’t deal with it anymore because she/he feels lonely and unimportant in your life.

1. She/he will not try skiing
2. You can’t say you wouldn’t marry her/him in the first place

What say you? Tough question isn't it.

 

[dmc]

After a year and a half of marriage... My EX-wife did that to me..
We met and skied together - went to Europe and skied... Went to Colorado and skied with her family. She bought me ski stuff for Xmas... It was all very cool..

Then I was in Jackson Hole with friends - she couldnt make the trip. We were 3 days into the trip and it was DUMPING outside... She calls me up and say - "I'm sick of this skiing stuff - either come home on the next flight or it's over"....

Needless to say - I did not go home... And the marriage ended...

You can't change someones escense... It's just not right...

 

[bvibert]

That is a tough one, and I'm going to refrain from answering it on the grounds that my wife stops into these forums from time to time...

 

[Sky]

YOIKES! hmmmm....let me say that my wife has never posed that or any other recreational-related statement.

I was playing basketball for an Army team while I was stationed in Italy. I was 25. I played on the base's team which travelled every weekend. Plus I played on a volleyball team, plus the normal deployment stuff.

My mother-in-law came to visit us for Christmas, and I cut a day-trip a bit short to be back in time for a game against a Navy team ( a ship had come into port and the base set up the event).

After the game, I thought about the circumstances, and pulled back from the two sports. Pretty selfish of me to do that to a visitor who spent the cake to come to Europe.

As to skiing however...after 28 years of marriage, I'd give up skiing if it was making my wife that angry...although, I still do other things that make her angry...so maybe I speak with forked tongue?

*ponder*

OK, I'd give up the sport....but I'd keep the gear in case I changed my mind...or she changed hers (always a possibility).

 

[JimG.]

Have kids, 2 or more if you can.

Your spouse might like having you around the house at first, but believe me with the kids running around screaming and yelling all the time they'll get tired of the family constantly surrounding them pronto. Yes, that includes you too :lol: .

Before you know it, they'll be asking you what your skiing schedule is and if you're taking the kids too.

 

[Brettski]

After a year and a half of marriage... She calls me up and say - "I'm sick of this skiing stuff - either come home on the next flight or it's over"....

Something must've been running a little deeper than being bored with skiing.

As to the question....how could a cold weather person and a winter hater come together in the first place?

I mean, I like to stand outside at 9:00 on a frozen pond and play ice hockey when it's 15 degrees out.

Can I ask what they would like to do instead? I can't sit still for than 5 minutes anyway... And are we talking skiing every weekend? I would look for a comprimise....how about ice fishing?

 

[smootharc]

Try this....

....say "Honey, I'll wrestle with the little ones....take them off your hands for a day. Freeze my buns off, wipe their runny noses...and have a blast doing my thing. You hit the spa for a massage and aromatherapy, then retire to the condo to sit by the fire with a cup of tea and lemon, and your favorite book. Deal ?"

If she loves you....definitely a deal....if she doesn't love you....still might be a deal, 'cause it'll sound good to her....
:dunce:

 

[tree_skier]

seek counseling as I know that I would try anything my wife wanted at least once to please her and I beleive she would do the same for me, except hunting or fishing, but she does occaisionally come along with a book, especially on a nice day.

Try telling her you want your children to spend their days outside and not planted in front of a TV or computer. I just used that one on my wife for the dirt bikes but now I have to buy her one also.

:beer: :beer:

 

[Talisman]

The problem with your skiing may be a symptom of other problems. I believe we should have our recreation time to make the time spent with spouses that much more joyous. The key is to have some balance between work time, together time and recreation time.

So here is an ironic story. I was the non-skiing spouse who started skiing with my former wife to have a shared winter activity. We skied fairly often and I finally improved to the point where we could tackle any slope together or ski with some ski buddies from work.

I still got a version of the 'if you go skiing one more time'. The real issue wasn't how frequently I went skiing, she wasn't happy. The unhappiness extended to other parts of her life including our marriage. If I could do it over, I would have gone to the marriage counseler far earlier.

Good luck to you.

 

[Paul]

I don't do ultimatums. Of any kind. You can always reach a compromise, and if not....




Later, Gator.....

 

[Greg]

Have kids, 2 or more if you can.

Your spouse might like having you around the house at first, but believe me with the kids running around screaming and yelling all the time they'll get tired of the family constantly surrounding them pronto. Yes, that includes you too :lol: .

Before you know it, they'll be asking you what your skiing schedule is and if you're taking the kids too.

This is my plan.

My wife is pretty supportive of my skiing schedule. She skis a few times a year too so that helps. It's all about balance. If I take a Sunday to go skiing, I'm always willing to give her a day to do something she wants; with or without me.

 

[noski]

Encourage your wife to pursue her own recreational (or educational, or social) activities and then SUPPORT her. If that means attending a concert of music you really hate, do it with sincerity. In the off season, get some jobs around the house done that have gone unfinished or pushed off. I wasn't sure if there were kids, or the suggestion to have them, but if there are kids, then make them your priority for a few days and send your wife off on a weekend with the girls, or to DC to visit museums, etc. Take it from a noski....

 

[Brettski]

Listen, my wife asked me if I wanted to take ballroom dancing lessons last night...

Hell if time to be (alone) together, I'm in.

With 3 kids...going food shopping with her is just great.....

 

[Charlie Schuessler]

My wife & I don't command ultimatums in our house either, we develop comprises...we hike & snowshoe together...I bicycle & ski and she rides horses…the independence is great and we help each other when an event requires…it works for us…

 

[smootharc]

Dude....I salute you....

Try telling her you want your children to spend their days outside and not planted in front of a TV or computer. I just used that one on my wife for the dirt bikes but now I have to buy her one also.

I'm submitting your name for this year's National Association of Sneaky Husbands (NASH) annual "Man of the Year" award....

There is hope for all of us. :lol:

P.S. Regarding original post....there's tons of alternative things to do in winter in and around snowy parts - touched upon with the snowshoeing, etc. X-country, skating, sledding. Perhaps just getting her to acknowledge that being out in the cold stuff is, as opposed to most idiot weather reports say, actually FUN !!!!

 

[hammer]

That is a tough one, and I'm going to refrain from answering it on the grounds that my wife stops into these forums from time to time...

From what I've seen of her posts here this question is definitely not relevant for you, you lucky one, you... :wink:

I think the original question's a bit extreme, but if someone's significant other is frustrated to the point of giving an ultimatum then maybe the relationship's already toast...

I'm still working on getting the ladies in my family as nuts about skiing as me and my son are...don't know if it will ever happen, but they've been trying so I can't complain.

 

[riverc0il]

first of all, any one that puts down an ultimatum like that isn't worth being with, in my humble opinion. especially considering something that is very important to one person. when you remove a passion or interest from a person's life (especially forcefully) a part of that person dies and is no longer the person the signifigant other originally fell for. it is the stupidest thing in the world to try to change someone.

that said, it is a legitiment concern if a spouse or signifigant other is spending all their time skiing and none of their time with their SO. clearly, a skier in this situation must realize maintaining a relationship is a high prioriety just as skiing is and needs the same type of commitment, attentiong, dedication, and communication. freeing up weeknights, an occasional weekend, and trying to do one or two really big and special things during the winter in which you sacrifice a big ski day goes along way.

all that said, any one (significant other, spouse, friend, family member, girl friend, whatever) comes to me and tells me to stop skiing or else, it was nice knowing them but that's not something i would need in my life. no friend or family member would intentionally desire to inflict that much pain and suffering on me, nor would i even consider allowing them to.

 

[highpeaksdrifter]

After a year and a half of marriage... My EX-wife did that to me..
We met and skied together - went to Europe and skied... Went to Colorado and skied with her family. She bought me ski stuff for Xmas... It was all very cool..

Then I was in Jackson Hole with friends - she couldnt make the trip. We were 3 days into the trip and it was DUMPING outside... She calls me up and say - "I'm sick of this skiing stuff - either come home on the next flight or it's over"....

Needless to say - I did not go home... And the marriage ended...

You can't change someones escense... It's just not right...

DMC’s answer touched my very soul. I am profoundly moved by it. I’m having one right now in your honor bro. :beer: You did the exact right thing.

At my age I won’t be having any more kids, but if I did have another son I would name him DMC. Now, I grant you that that name might get him teased in school, as it would be hard to pronounce, but when he was old enough to understand I’d explain to him why he got DMC as a name. I know he would be proud.

As I wipe away a tear of joy, I realize I need to honor DMC with another beer. :beer:

 

[Jaytrek57]

I don't do ultimatums. Of any kind. You can always reach a compromise, and if not....

Later, Gator.....

Um..you don't do ultimatums...so you in the next breath you say, "if not, later gator."?

Just busting chops...maybe its me...I just found it a bit weirdly worded. :wink:

Peace

or else... :wink: :wink:

 

[tirolerpeter]

Ultimatums

This does sound like a problem best handled with some professional counseling. The issue of "skiing" is likely just a trigger for what is doubtlessly a serious and deepseated problem that may not be obvious to either of you. But, I can relate to this situation. I was always an outdoor person and my wife was an indoor person. In an effort to please her I pretty much gave up "outdoors" to spend time with her. Unfortunately, this made me very unhappy and resentful. She was able to pursue her hobbies and passions while I basically got to watch. After much counseling, she came to understand that just keeping me "around" was not conducive to creating companionship or intimacy. As we slowly worked on being honest about what we both needed, she came to accept that I was a happier person when I got to do stuff I liked too. We made some mutual friends that skied, and I started going with them on occasion and she accepted that. What really turned things around, was after we had children, I decided that they should not grow up as couch potatoes and "indoor" sports viewers; rather that they should become participants. I joined them up for all sorts of sports and got involved in coaching them. Mom hated the outdoors, but wanted to support the kids. When they got old enough, I took them skiing. It was then that my wife realized that when I had them for trips, she got more leisure to do her hobby. In time, the three kids and I worked it out so that we took a ski trip (conditions permitting) during the season every other week-end. Also, we took longer trips during school vacations. One year we rented a condo at Vail. She insisted on coming along. She dropped us at the lifts in the AM and picked us up in the PM. Then, she wanted to "do the town" and "do a nice dinner out." Needless to say, after skiing at altitude for the day, the kids wanted to microwave something and fall asleep on the floor in front of the TV. She had a miserable time. The next winter we went to Copper Mountain WITHOUT her. She went to San Juan PR with a girlfriend. She called me and said: "It's so beautiful here..85 degrees." I said: "It's snowing and they expect 6" to 8" by morning..isn't that glorious?" We now understand that while I travel with her to Quilt shows (Quilting is her passion) all the rest of the year, and to an occasional warm spot (Last Feb was Maui for a week) in the dead of winter, what I do during the season is SKI. In fact, since quilting is so big in Utah, and I don't have to tell most of you, so is skiing, that's where we are moving to next year. I guess we have worked it out.