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The Joke Thread
- Thread starter gmcunni
- Start date
o3jeff
New member
....
o3jeff
New member
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
4: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she’s officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.
11: Only in situations of mortal and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
15: Women who claim they ‘love to watch sports’ must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly ‘just a friend’ have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again
before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question ‘What do you want for Christmas?’ with ‘If you loved me, you’d know what I want!’ gets an Xbox 360. End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.
27: It is not permissible to make eye contact when watching porn with your mates. Furthermore, this is only one of two circumstances under which it is allowed to have an erection with friends in the room, the other being when you are ‘spit roasting’ a woman.
28: We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
* ‘GUTS’ is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, ‘are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?’
* ‘BALLS’ is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, ‘You’re next fatty!’
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
4: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she’s officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.
11: Only in situations of mortal and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
15: Women who claim they ‘love to watch sports’ must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly ‘just a friend’ have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again
before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question ‘What do you want for Christmas?’ with ‘If you loved me, you’d know what I want!’ gets an Xbox 360. End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.
27: It is not permissible to make eye contact when watching porn with your mates. Furthermore, this is only one of two circumstances under which it is allowed to have an erection with friends in the room, the other being when you are ‘spit roasting’ a woman.
28: We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
* ‘GUTS’ is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, ‘are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?’
* ‘BALLS’ is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, ‘You’re next fatty!’
o3jeff
New member
vdk03
New member
"Tele-girls take it in the backcountry."
AMR Ski & Board Rental
Breckenridge
AMR Ski & Board Rental
Breckenridge
Zing
SKIQUATTRO
New member
The police knocked on a door, and when the man of the house answered, an officer held up a picture and asked "Is this your wife, sir?"
"yes it is" the man answered
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus" the officer said
"I know" the man answered, "but she has a great personality"
"yes it is" the man answered
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus" the officer said
"I know" the man answered, "but she has a great personality"
:lol:
legalskier
New member
- Joined
- Sep 22, 2008
- Messages
- 3,052
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- 0
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter.Ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to let go, otherwise they would all fall.
They weren't able to choose that person until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
They weren't able to choose that person until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
legalskier
New member
- Joined
- Sep 22, 2008
- Messages
- 3,052
- Points
- 0
Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the Pearly Gates for admission to heaven.
Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.
One doctor steps forward and says, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities." Saint Peter says, "Enter."
The other doctor says, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people." Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven.
The third applicant steps forward and says, "I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care." Saint Peter tells him, "You can come in, too."
As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, "But you can only stay for 3 days."
Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.
One doctor steps forward and says, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities." Saint Peter says, "Enter."
The other doctor says, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people." Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven.
The third applicant steps forward and says, "I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care." Saint Peter tells him, "You can come in, too."
As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, "But you can only stay for 3 days."
vdk03
New member
What do you get when you mix GPS with PMS?
A crazy bitch that will find you
A crazy bitch that will find you
ctenidae
Active member
If you were walking along the beach and saw your mother in law and a lawyer drowning, but you could only save one of them, would you have lunch, or go to a movie?
If you could have the body of an 18 year old, where would you keep it?
If you could have the body of an 18 year old, where would you keep it?
Throw the banker in after them and make it a hat trick!
legalskier
New member
- Joined
- Sep 22, 2008
- Messages
- 3,052
- Points
- 0
Such love. Thanks....thanks a lot.
A little old man gets pulled over by a policeman, who says, "Sir? Do you realize your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
The old fella replied, "Oh, thank goodness- I thought I'd gone deaf!"
A little old man gets pulled over by a policeman, who says, "Sir? Do you realize your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
The old fella replied, "Oh, thank goodness- I thought I'd gone deaf!"
ctenidae
Active member
My Dad's a retired Judge who returned to private practice, my brother and his wife are both attorneys, so I'm getting a kick out of these replies...
Two nuns walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have ducked.
legalskier
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- Joined
- Sep 22, 2008
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- 0
I feel your pain.
If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would this be:
a. Murder?
b. Suicide?
c. Merely making an obscene clone fall?
o3jeff
New member
I give up.
