non-skiing spouses and DTI

[tarponhead]

Just curious,

How do you folks - particularly those with non-skiing spouses - keep the DTI (Domestic Tranquility Index) at acceptable levels?

My season opener has just been downgraded from Thanksgiving weekend (Black Friday on) at Mt Snow, to at best a day trip to "Huntah"... DTI threatened to get to heavy. This was not a "fall on the sword" issue so I walked away but it still kinda sucks.

My other passion is fly fishing, which my better half knew when she married me. Perhaps because I spent many weekends sleeping next to my car parked along river "X" she kinda expected it and generally does not give me much flac. Skiing on the otherhand is new on my life list of passions. My guess it kinda blind-sided her. Complicated too as my skiing is never solo, always with my two sons who both love it as well.

In the end, despite starting out this post with a question, I think what I am really looking for are similar circumstances and how you dealed with them. I've been married long enough to understand the ying-yang of marrage.

Time for another glass from that delicious box of wine.....:beer: (yeah, I'm that classy)

 

[riverc0il]

My question would be why would skiing cause a problem with non-skiing spouses? I suppose if there were kids involved, that could be difficult. But if the kids ski too, then it would seem like giving the spouse a holiday (okay, full disclosure, I hate kids and don't have any :lol: ). But the question is what is the complaint with you going skiing?

When I my SO and I got together, she knew skiing was my thing and she has always respected that. If she had not respected that, we would not have had a future together and it is as simple as that. Every situation is different, but I think ultimately if you have a partner that lives for one or two special things, you need to do everything in your powder to accommodate that and also do likewise. Add watching kids into the picture and I could see things a little differently and needing a little more give and take.

 

[Hergini Coop74]

I don't understand why she is having such a hard time with you and the boys skiing. What I fail to understand is why doesn't she give it a try? Or has she??

I have picked up one major sport on behalf of my spouse. It was his passion before we met. All he wanted was for me to try it despite my dislike of water sports or swimming. I never enjoyed swimming and now deep diving is our passion that we share together and soon to share with our daughter.

Together, including our daughter, we picked up skiing and mountain biking all by accident. I tried skiing for the first time when I was in college. We headed up to Loon and my friends had this great idea to take me up the gondola lift because “I was doing so well in my lesson”. That run did not go well and I never put another pair of downhill skis on my feet until we were in the Whites in January 2003 and not an inch of snow on the xcountry trails. We were there on vacation for the week and decided to all take a downhill lesson at BW just for ha-ha’s.

Well thankfully we enjoy skiing and mountain biking as a family and solo. I think you might want to talk to your wife that compromising is very important in a marriage and doing things as a family and apart is also important.

Is she worried about falling and breaking a bone? To this day after roughly six years of skiing I still second guess myself. About 70% of the time all three of us will head up together and meet up at the bottom of the mountain for another run which maybe together part of the way or not at all.

The other part of this I don't understand is why she is upset when you have the boys with you on the slopes? I find many things to do when I (in rare occasion) am alone for the day.

As a woman and a wife she needs to get over it. She's doing more harm than good to your marriage. You are giving your sons a great experience and she at the very least should appreciate your effort.

BTW when you are off goofing around on the slopes with your boys? What is she up to?

 

[MogulQueen]

I don't think the issue is you going skiing. I think her issue is that you and the boys are not spending time with her. She may feel left out when you leave with the boys for the day. My recommendation is that you find a way to include her in the trip. First, surprise her with a lesson. DO NOT TRY TO TEACH HER YOURSELF!!!!! Although it may seem like an economical choice to teach her, there will be some very stressful moments in which she will resent you. If you have the cash, pay for a private lesson. This way she will not be as self conscience. You ultimately want the best day for her so that she will return. Before the big day, take her shopping to purchase some new ski duds. Let her pick out the outfit. If you are making a weekend out of it, go to a ski area with a spa and reward her with a spa treatment after her day of skiing. Make the experience something very memorable with good vibes. Believe me, the initial investment may seem big, but if you want many more happy years on the slopes, it is chump change. If she is not game for the skiing part, just try the spa route and make arrangements to meet for dinner. That's just my 2 cents. Hope it helps! :beer:

 

[RootDKJ]

it's simple. I give Mrs Root all the sex she wants, and in return, I get to go skiing as much as I want.

 

[Ski Diva]

I have to agree with MogulQueen on this. It seems more like a spending time together issue. Plus it might not be what she has in mind for Thanksgiving weekend. Maybe there's family stuff she wants to do around the holiday. Or maybe to her, it's a sacred shopping time. Hey, I don't feel this way, but some people think it's their duty to be out in the stores that particular weekend.

Whatever it is, she probably sees skiing as something that's exclusive of her. So do whatever you can to bring her into the sport. You don't have to buy skis/boots/etc. right away, but new duds are good. She'll need them to be warm and comfortable, anyway, and the happier she is out there, the happier she'll feel about skiing. Also, MQ is completely right about getting her a lesson and not teaching her yourself. There's nothing that can screw up a relationship more than teaching your significant other to ski. There's a lot of baggage that comes along with that, and most of the time it's a complete disaster. So don't cheap out. Get her a really good lesson. And one more thing: when she does start to ski, do not abandon her. Hang out with her on the bunny slope. So you'll miss the good stuff for a while. Consider it an investment in time. And don't give her advice constantly, either (unless she asks for it). Remember, keep it fun. If you do, you may end up with someone more hard core than you.

All this said, she may try skiing and hate it. That's her right. Some people do (though I can't imagine why). If so, you have to respect that and come to some sort of terms. Compromise is key. Maybe you balance your ski activity with some together time. I don't know. This isn't something I've had to address (my husband skis), so I'll let someone who knows better take it from here.

 

[Marc]

I First, surprise her with a lesson. DO NOT TRY TO TEACH HER YOURSELF!!!!! Although it may seem like an economical choice to teach her, there will be some very stressful moments in which she will resent you. If you have the cash, pay for a private lesson.

This is not necessarily true. I've been teaching my girlfriend to ski and it has been going great. She unfortunately doesn't have the time to commit to it, but her third time out she was skiing a pretty long green on Wildcat in choppy, icy and overall variable conditions.

It just takes patience, encouragement, and confidence both ways. Knowing how to teach the basics helps as well. But I find it amusing that so many couples can't get through it. Perhaps it's a sign the relationship as a whole needs a little examination.

 

[Glenn]

This is not necessarily true. I've been teaching my girlfriend to ski and it has been going great. She unfortunately doesn't have the time to commit to it, but her third time out she was skiing a pretty long green on Wildcat in choppy, icy and overall variable conditions.

It just takes patience, encouragement, and confidence both ways. Knowing how to teach the basics helps as well. But I find it amusing that so many couples can't get through it. Perhaps it's a sign the relationship as a whole needs a little examination.

I'll x2 this.

I taught my wife to ski about 10 years ago. It worked just fine. It probably helped that she trusted me and that I was really laid back about the whole thing. Oh, the fact that she picked it up easily was a huge help. She had such a good time, we dragged her sister along and taught her 3 weeks later.

 

[Puck it]

I get a look crap through the year for going so much but my kids are older. She skis but does not really like it. I just go and deal with the BS later. It is one of the few things that I get to that I am passionate about.

 

[Ski Diva]

This is not necessarily true. I've been teaching my girlfriend to ski and it has been going great. She unfortunately doesn't have the time to commit to it, but her third time out she was skiing a pretty long green on Wildcat in choppy, icy and overall variable conditions.

It just takes patience, encouragement, and confidence both ways. Knowing how to teach the basics helps as well. But I find it amusing that so many couples can't get through it. Perhaps it's a sign the relationship as a whole needs a little examination.

I'll x2 this.

I taught my wife to ski about 10 years ago. It worked just fine. It probably helped that she trusted me and that I was really laid back about the whole thing. Oh, the fact that she picked it up easily was a huge help. She had such a good time, we dragged her sister along and taught her 3 weeks later.

You guys are very lucky. Of course, it depends on the relationship. All the same, I hear bad stories all the time, so I wouldn't risk it. I've been married for a reeeeeeaalllllly long time, and even though we get along great, neither one of us always responds very well to instruction from the other.

Here's another option: Take her away for a few days to one of the mountains that has a multi-day women's clinic. You can ski like crazy while she's in instruction, then take some runs with her, when she's done. From what I hear, the clinic at Okemo is terrific. Might be worth checking out.

 

[Madroch]

I don't think the issue is you going skiing. I think her issue is that you and the boys are not spending time with her. She may feel left out when you leave with the boys for the day. My recommendation is that you find a way to include her in the trip. First, surprise her with a lesson. DO NOT TRY TO TEACH HER YOURSELF!!!!! Although it may seem like an economical choice to teach her, there will be some very stressful moments in which she will resent you. If you have the cash, pay for a private lesson. This way she will not be as self conscience. You ultimately want the best day for her so that she will return. Before the big day, take her shopping to purchase some new ski duds. Let her pick out the outfit. If you are making a weekend out of it, go to a ski area with a spa and reward her with a spa treatment after her day of skiing. Make the experience something very memorable with good vibes. Believe me, the initial investment may seem big, but if you want many more happy years on the slopes, it is chump change. If she is not game for the skiing part, just try the spa route and make arrangements to meet for dinner. That's just my 2 cents. Hope it helps! :beer:

+1--

I didn't ski when married, got back into the sport when my kids were old enough to learn, and then became hooked again. I skied most weekend days with them and a night a week myself. The weekends became the issue-- my wife felt left out of a family event that was becoming very important to the kids (and I). We would be gone most days to the local hill without her. They would than talk about each day for hours-- what runs they skied, what they learned, etc. She felt very left out. Even when she traveled with us to VT, she enjoyed the day but did not feel involved per se. At the time, she was very anti-skiing- due to a bad experience. But with some reassurance from skiing girl friends (somehow the assurance is better accepted from a non-spouse) she gave it a try. She signed up for a series of lessons with a local mother's group-- and her instructor turned out to share a lot of interests and life experiences with her and was very patient.

And yes the outfit shopping was enjoyed greatly--- and yes it was a pretty big $$$ outlay before we had any idea she might truly enjoy it (equipment and clothes- I looked for adult seasonal rentals and didn't find any, and feared that a daily trip through the rental line might take away from the experience, so we bought her equipment when she committed to the lessons).

I didn't even try to ski with her until she had a few lessons and a few ski days with her girlfriends-- when we did ski togethor it was very enjoyable-- no stress just fun.

We had a great year-- and the kids loved the fact that mom was learning to ski-- and that they could ski with her and "teach" her things.

Cut to end of story-- she is a season passholder at the local hill only one year later and looking forward to 40 plus days---

So if your wife has skiing girl friends-- they will be your most powerful ally-- thier reassurance, and her desire to be involved with the family activity should get her out there-- and hopefully with some luck and a good instructor she may enjoy the experience. With a little further luck she will enjoy the sport-- and then you are all set. If not, I would consult the women on this board for follow up-- as I fortunately did not have to look at alternatives to keep the index stable.

 

[Trekchick]

I'll echo much of what has been said here.

One question tho:
Has she tried to ski?
Does it interest her in any way?

All the advice about getting her lessons, getting her comfy boots, making sure you set the stage for her to enjoy it....doesn't matter if she really has no interest.

If this is about spending time she wants you to spend with her off slope, then you need to open up a dialog with her and possibly a calendar.
You may just have to make concessions on a few dates. Thanksgiving may be a tough one for you to give up, but it also may be important to her family holiday plans.


My Trade Off:
My Husband, (then boyfriend) exposed me to skiing. Saying that he taught me would be generous to his...."This is how you snow plow. Now that you've got that, Keep up, we're not waiting at the lift" instruction.

He is much more into Snowmobiling than skiing, and he is into dirtbiking while I'm into Mt biking.
My trade off....I spend the summers dedicated to helping him with his motorcycle passion, working concession stand at the local motocross track and run his gas truck when he races enduros, but in the winter, living the ski life is mine with little interruption from him.
He still skis with me, but its not his passion as it is mine.
I got 53 days in last year while he got about 30ish.

Its good to be me!

 

[billski]

You guys are very lucky. Of course, it depends on the relationship. All the same, I hear bad stories all the time, so I wouldn't risk it. I've been married for a reeeeeeaalllllly long time, and even though we get along great, neither one of us always responds very well to instruction from the other.

Here's another option: Take her away for a few days to one of the mountains that has a multi-day women's clinic. You can ski like crazy while she's in instruction, then take some runs with her, when she's done. From what I hear, the clinic at Okemo is terrific. Might be worth checking out.

+1, not only are they rare, they have all the stars aligned, including the talent to teach properly, and the desire to be taught.

 

[Grassi21]

it's simple. I give Mrs Root all the sex she wants, and in return, I get to go skiing as much as I want.

Wish I had that arrangement....

 

[billski]

I have to agree with MogulQueen on this. It seems more like a spending time together issue. Plus it might not be what she has in mind for Thanksgiving weekend. Maybe there's family stuff she wants to do around the holiday. Or maybe to her, it's a sacred shopping time. Hey, I don't feel this way, but some people think it's their duty to be out in the stores that particular weekend.

Agreed. Skiing is a big time commitment, an entire day. So many people do the Nashoba/Wachusett thing in metro Boston, because it's "convenient" and does not have to consume a whole day. The first priority is setting expectations and planning ahead. Knowing what's important to each of you is important. Reality says you will both have to compromise, and neither of you will get all the days you want. Have to agree with tarponhead's "blindsided comment too." No suprises is the best strategy for everyone.

I get the sense tarponhead does not have kids. But what Diva says applies equally with kids/family. Things change. My wife has lost interest in skiing over the 20 years of raising kids. The kids activities are pulling us in all directions. She remains firmly committed to family time. We get one family ski weekend together, the only time she comes. She is doing it for the family, just as every one of the kids activities.
She was also OK with me taking some of the kids skiing, for years I took them out for lessons. The kids have gone their own ways or lost interest in skiing with Dad at this point and want to do other things, like being with their friends, without Dad involved!
Owning a ski condo as a way to keep it all together was never in the cards. The interest and activity level in my family is too diverse.

I always take the family commitments first, and skiing second, even though I'd like to think I do otherwise. Holidays, birthdays, valentine's days are no-nos. School performances, kids games which I will never miss, meetings, my wife's commitments ensure I stick around. Been with this company long enough now that I take some vacation days midweek to ski by myself or with others. The win is not only does the family not miss me (they're in school or work), the weekends are free for the family. For me, I get the best skiing of the week without the aggravation of weekend crowds, beat trails and traffic.

Hope there is an idea in there somewhere that you can use.

 

[billski]

Wish I had that arrangement....

that sounds like a teenage fantasy to me! :razz:

 

[Grassi21]

that sounds like a teenage fantasy to me! :razz:

Some people say I'm a dreamer...

 

[Sky]

Let's see....how I deal with it is the first question....not well is the answer. :> I ski less. :<

Mogul Queen and Ski Diva (IMO) hit it on the head....it's not that I (or you) are skiing so much as it's a level of "neglect" of her (strong word...but it may help understand what may be her perspective).

So dealing with that perspective as best you can may solve the puzzle.

As for "teaching her yourself"...ooof...I again agree with MQ and SD....if there's already a resistance to skiing...and a level of contention associated with you AND the sport....don't go there.

You having a passion (obsession?) for the sport is really going to drive you to "want" to go as often as possible. If you're not skiing, you're reading the mags, watching the films, tuning the gear...etc. All activities adding to the "neglect" pile.

So maybe (MAYBE) if you keep a leash on the obsession and put effort against the "neglect" issue (conversations/shopping/vaca plans/financial plans/household repair plans...whatever it is she likes to do or is concerned about)...that might help.

CAUTION....be careful to avoid thinking that just because you "tried", you are "owed". Oh man...that one got me in huge doo doo!

As always...your mileage may vary. :>

Best of luck!

 

[RootDKJ]

Wish I had that arrangement....

It's (mostly) a joke. On a more serious tone, Mrs Root is fantastic about letting me get in as much skiing as I want during the winter. On the 6 or 7 days she joins me, I'm in heaven. I've never seen anyone happier to skid their way through the blues and greens.

The other 8 months of the year, I'll do basically anything she wants to do.

 

[Beetlenut]

Let's see....how I deal with it is the first question....not well is the answer. :> I ski less. :<

+1 unfortunatly. Although I do have young kids which compounds the problem. As a result, most of my skiing occures during the week when I'd be at work anyway. That means a lot of day trips, and long days driving and skiing.