Dealing With A Suicide

[MadMadWorld]

Sorry to drag the forum down but has anyone ever dealt with this? Someone I have known for 30 years seemingly out of nowhere took his own life. I'm all over the place right now....pissed at him for being selfish and leaving his baby without a father, pissed at myself for not being more available or recognize any warnings, and just upset that I will never be able to spend another minute with him. Thanks for listening.

 

[ctenidae]

Shit, sorry to hear that. I don't much know what to say, never having had to deal with it myself. I do know that it's not your fault, even without knowing details. I totally get the pissed angle too- obviously there are deeper issues involved, but on some level I get it.

 

[thetrailboss]

Wow. I'm so sorry. I've never dealt with this before, but I don't think you can blame yourself. I can understand how you would. Try to help the family as much as you can in the here and now.

 

[MadMadWorld]

Thanks guys I really appreciate your input. Sometimes it's easier to talk to complete strangers about this kind of stuff.

 

[Nick]

First off, so sorry for your loss. I can't relate to what you are going through other than to say I can only imaging there are so many questions and probably so little answers to those questions. I don't want to sound like I know what you are going through and say don't blame yourself, but I think you should at least try not too. Sometimes, people have deeper emotions than they share with even the closest people in their lives.

Thoughts & prayers for you. Losing someone is never easy. Losing someone with questions about why can only make it more difficult ....

 

[wa-loaf]

I can't really say why someone would do that especially with young children depending on you. And I don't know how close you are to the rest of the family, but his wife and kid(s) need a lot of help right now. Maybe that's somewhere you can help out and not feel too helpless in the situation. There are a lot of grief support groups out there: http://www.hellogrief.org/resources/ (for the family and maybe you?)

 

[Savemeasammy]

So sorry to hear this. Dealing with loss of someone close is difficult enough, but it must be much tougher to accept when they take their own life. There is nothing wrong with experiencing the range of emotions you described. Thoughts to you and the family of your friend.

 

[hammer]

Closest personal experience was someone I knew professionally who lost his wife and two kids...she killed the two kids and then committed suicide. Never knew how he ever managed after that but he did. Think she was battling depression and the way I look at it, it was the depression that killed them. Have to be battling some pretty nasty internal demons to be willing to take your own life.

Sorry for your loss.

 

[MadMadWorld]

I can't really say why someone would do that especially with young children depending on you. And I don't know how close you are to the rest of the family, but his wife and kid(s) need a lot of help right now. Maybe that's somewhere you can help out and not feel too helpless in the situation. There are a lot of grief support groups out there: http://www.hellogrief.org/resources/ (for the family and maybe you?)

Yea as a father, I don't think I will ever understand abandoning a child. He was married and had a 9 month old baby. I can't imagine how much pain he must have been in to walk away from everything he had going for him. This was their first child and I can only imagine how she is feeling right now. Helping out doing choirs and such for her is what keeps me going and makes me not feel as helpless. Thanks everyone for the outpouring of support you guys are great!

 

[mriceyman]

my uncle(and godfather) took his own life when I was in highschool 10 years ago. he did have some problems but he was an awesome guy and I miss him til this day. i know what a toll it took on my grandparents and i don't wish that on anybody. i am thankful he had no children of his own but we do have a huge family and it was hard for us for a long time.

 

[dmc]

I lost a friend to suicide when I was 13... There was no grief counseling then...
My family helped sort it all out..

Such a confusing thing... Tough to even comprehend...
To me it's super selfish...and just wrong.. So tragic to leave others behind.. Especially a child...

My belief is suicide just delays the inevitable. I believe consciousness continues after death and you just take your suffering to the next place unless you deal with it..

 

[legalskier]

I'm sorry for your loss. I've lost three relatives- two were going through severe family turbulence, the third is still a mystery.
Perhaps this thought can help a bit:
"Grief starts to become indulgent, and it doesn't serve anyone, and it's painful. But if you transform it into remembrance, then you're magnifying the person you lost and also giving something of that person to other people, so they can experience something of that person." -Patti Smith

 

[bigbog]

Sorry to hear of MMW. No experience here. Think it's often tough to sense issues when the person of concern, because of their situation, puts up a smokescreen from others who do/might care..... Often everyone ends up out of touch, but agree one would think he would've thought about his family...or part of his family...and would've re-thought priorities in life.

 

[Abubob]

Sorry to hear that, man. Nothing shakes people more than to have a close friend or family member take their own life. It certainly defies logic. But that's what depression and despondency does to one's thinking. It skews life all out of proportion and reality.

I personally do not believe there is consciousness after death (my apologies to dmc). It is based on what I have read in the Bible. I know the Bible is controversial but I believe what it says there. My beliefs, because of what I read in the Bible, are not traditional so please take it for what it worth to you. Read Ecclesiastes 9:5 & 10. I hope it helps a bit.

If you have any questions or just want to slam me for quoting the Bible - please send a PM.

 

[MadMadWorld]

I'm sorry for your loss. I've lost three relatives- two were going through severe family turbulence, the third is still a mystery.
Perhaps this thought can help a bit:
"Grief starts to become indulgent, and it doesn't serve anyone, and it's painful. But if you transform it into remembrance, then you're magnifying the person you lost and also giving something of that person to other people, so they can experience something of that person." -Patti Smith

LS - I think that's a fitting quote. Everyone's stories and reassurance have definitely helped me through this ordeal.

Sent from my SCH-I545 using AlpineZone mobile app

 

[drjeff]

Sorry for your loss.

The one thing that you should do, for the sake of that child of his, is in the next few weeks, write down some the the many i'm guessing, GREAT memories of your times as a friend with him over the years.

Then depending on how much/how little the child's mother will inform them of his/her father as they get older, you'll have a wealth of fond recollections about him that you can share with that child to help them try and figure out who their Dad was. Plus very often spending some time reflecting on the good memories of the past will be therapeutic.

Why he took his own life will likely never make sense to anyone, but himself in those last few moments.

 

[steamboat1]

I've had a few friends commit suicide over the years. The reasons they did it will never be understood. I still shake my head every time I think of them. Sorry for your loss.

 

[Warp Daddy]

My next door neighbor took his life leaving a wife and two children , i also had a professional colleague with a wife and two kids take his life . The feeling you are experiencing are normal . One runs the gamut from grief , extreme grief , anger and beating one,s self up for NOT seeing the signals ! All of this strictly reinforces our own need to help , but in my instances ,in spite of all the professional background i had in human behavior i doubt ANYONE sees this coming clearly .

the individual has to be enduring the most exacerbating form of personal pain that he/she often masks it so as to deflect dealing with it ....strictly opinion here. You can do many things to help ...just be availble , not necessarily to talk to his survivors BUT rather to LISTEN to them as they deal with their grief . offer empathy , DO some sruff actively dont wait for a request . bring some food over , be ther to do small errands . Like snow removal or some small home related tasks , just BE a friend ... actions always speak louder than words .

There is nothing you could have done to prevent it, so choose not to beat yourself up for inability to "Control or recognize the signals "

hang in there.

 

[deadheadskier]

sorry for your loss

I've lost a friend to suicide in the past. I've also lost a couple of friends to substance abuse problems.

I would throw anger at your friend and/or yourself out the window as a productive emotion. I know, easier said then done. The reason I say this is would you feel the same way if your friend died of cancer? Of course you wouldn't. Depression, just like cancer, is a disease and even with the best treatment it can be fatal for some who suffer from it. Substance addiction is also a disease that can be fatal. People have a tendency to downplay both as diseases and that maybe part of the reason why we as a society fail so often at treating such people and making them well again.

It's incredibly tragic when someone leaves a child behind, but it's not something that I necessarily consider selfish. No one knows the pain that individual is in and what steps they've taken to address it through treatment. In many situations like this when a child is left behind, the deceased has feelings of hopelessness and that they are unworthy of even being their child's parent. In some disturbing way that only the deceased will ever know, they feel that suicide will not only rid themselves of they pain the feel, but also relieve those around them of the burden they feel they are placing on others.

Regarding being angry at yourself, even if you did everything you could, the result still might have been the same and you'd still be left wondering if you could have done more.

I'll echo the statements of others in that the best thing you can do is be there to support his family and others who were close to your friend. You'll never find a definitive answer as to why it happened. All you can do is help others and yourself get through the grieving process.

Sorry again. I'm not going to lie, it's going to affect you for some time to come, but eventually the pain and sadness fades, you stop asking questions and you just appreciate the good times you did share. It took a couple of years for me to reach that point after the loss of my friend 12 years ago.

 

[JimG.]

So sorry to hear...thankfully, I have not yet lost anyone close to me to suicide.

I don't know how to advise you to react other than to tell you that it is not your fault at all. And I believe that even if you did detect something that he would have taken his own life anyway.