Sven and Ole

[Hawkshot99]

Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Duluth. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere." says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pays for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Two Harbors.

At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute who's been to the pet shop too, arrives at the cliffs. He walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag and a shotgun. "Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot and continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag and pulls out a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down and hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head...."First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knute parrotshooting.,.and now Lars hengliding . . .

 

[Brettski]

banda bum

 

[ctenidae]

Old Boudreau was an old Cajun who made his living hunting and trapping in the swamps. One day he paddles up to the bait shop and asks Pierre for a dozen bearclaws. "what you gonna do with a dozen donuts, Boudreau?" Boudreau says, "I'm going bear trapping." Pierre looks at him, shakes his head, adn says, "You crazy old coot. You can't catch bears with bearclaws!" Boudreau says "Just give me the dozen, and I'll be on my way." Well, Pierre does, and Boudreau heads off into the swamp. Later that evening, Boudreau comes paddling back, with his pirogue filled to sinking with dead bears.

Next day Boudreau paddles up, and Pierre asks him what he wants. Boudreau says, "Two pounds of catnip." Pierre asks him what he's going to do with 2 pounds of catnip, and Boudreau says, "I'm going after catfish." Pierre shakes his head, calls him a stupid coon-ass, and gives him two pounds of catnip. Later that day, Boudreau comes back with a pirogue load of catfish.

Day after, Boudreau paddles up, and Pierre says, "Hey, Boudreau, watchoo using for bait today?"
Boudreau says, "Pussywillow."
"I'll get my hat."

 

[gmcunni]

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor sign reads::
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



To avoid gender bias charges, the store ' s owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives who love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

 

[davidhowland14]

A north dakotan walks into a hardware store and tells the clerk he wants a chainsaw that'll cut down three trees an hour. So the clerk sells him one and the North dakotan walks out. The next day he walks back in with the chainsaw and says "This saw only cut down 1 tree in 5 hours!". So the clerk takes the saw and he pulls the starter and the saw starts up and the north dakotan says "what's that noise?"